Fortunately, a judge didn't say "maybe we'll have you back," after dismissing a suit foisted on Fred by the litigation-happy Kenny Kramer. In other words, she wasn't interested in hearing an appeal from a man who frankly doesn't seem to appeal to anyone but gullible tourists. Kramer, who won't let anyone forget he was vaguely an inspiration for the "Kramer" character on "Seinfeld," sued over a very minor anecdote in Fred's book.
Fred wrote of Kramer: "An admitted opportunist, he was not as innocent and goofy as the TV character…For thirty-seven dollars, he and a sidekick would take sightseers on a two-hour "Seinfeld Reality" bus tour…" The tour included having to endure Bobby, a Kramer sidekick, who would "scream out all the catch phrases...I just shook my head, amazed that a show as brilliant as "Seinfeld" could be so lamed down. In the gay-dominated Greenwich Village, I had to hear Bobby make everyone scream out, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Once wasn't embarrassing enough, so he'd scream it out again like some sort of deranged cheerleader…"
Kramer, very fond of getting his unpleasant face on Page Six of the NY Post any way he can, insisted this anecdote made him seem homophobic. How this could possibly be ground for any kind of money...well, it wasn't. How was Kramer damaged? He bragged that his tour was always "sold out" without ever having to pay for advertising. An irony is that while Seinfeld and Larry David seemed to distance themselves from Kramer, it was Stoller who snuck him onto the "Seinfeld" set for his only cameo during the show's entire run. Kramer had a friend post various petty complaints on Fred's Facebook page, none of them very compelling. At worst, Fred may has mis-remembered whether the use of the gay catch-phrase was screamed when some stereotypical gay couple pranced down a street or whether it was in Greenwich Village itself, but either way, no gays ever heard it; it was yelled on a bus with closed windows. And the line was rightly deemed as inoffensive, even supportive.
Larry David characterized Stoller's persona as "the proverbial schmuck," but in stand-up and in his better acting roles, Fred's more than that. He has some wit, and a funny, obstinate streak. Petulant in his whiny voice, piercing with his owlish eyes, he'll proudly admit, "I went to a deli and ate an apple right there without washing it first." As if this idiot bravado isn't enough, he'll add, "You can't stop me! I'll do it again."
Oddly, the latter half of the gag, which I remember fondly from his stand-up act, was not quoted in his book, but it's what separates him from previous masters of sad sack-ism (such as Marvin Kaplan or Jackie Vernon). He's not a complete patsy...he possesses an aggression that is usually clueless and comical.
The book confirms that he's mostly playing himself. The anecdotes about his childhood miseries, his mother's negativity, and other agonies have a lot of pathos. How sad that Fred was such a lonely child, he almost enjoyed being bullied. When the class fall guy was out, the bullies turned to Fred:
"...when he was absent, they chose me to pick on; they chased me and pulled my string tie through the fence and threw me down. It was actually kind of thrilling. For once, I wasn't invisible. The next day, when the other kid returned, I felt a little sad it was over."
Even getting lucky isn't so fortunate. Before Kramer's litigation, the big selling point for the book was his anecdote about quickly getting in bed with grotesque comedienne Kathy Griffin, who impatiently said, "I'm wet" almost before Fred was through the door for their first date. The nightmare ended with Griffin asking if she could punch him in the face for a sexual kick...and then hollering "Don't look at my ass."
The book does spend many many pages on mild "this is what it's like" anecdotes about the various sitcom sets and which actors are or aren't supportive, but the more memorable lines are sad and sweet reflections on his lonely and passive lifestyle. He's easily rankled by the rudeness of people having a good time with friends and family:
"I usually like a place that doesn't have waitress service. I like the freedom to be able to bolt an any moment, so that's why I like paying for my food before I eat. Just last week, I needed to flee desperately. An attractive, annoying couple was sitting in the booth next to me. They did that thing where they didn't sit across from each other, but sat side by side. I suppose they sat like that because they couldn't stand the idea of not having the sides of their hips touching for thirty minutes. Then they started kissing. The only thing more sickening would've been if they took out a wad of cash and started counting and kissing that too."
At another table some idiot strted talking very loudly on his ell pone while his baby cried; and he ignored the kid…All I wanted was my check, but of course the waiter was nowhere in sight. Eating alone is not the worst way to dine…" Flipping through this neurotic, compulsively readable book isn't the worst way to spend a few days. And if you want to re-read parts of it over again...I can't stop you.
