JOAN RIVERS - I HATE EVERYONE (but not Fallon)

Last week, Joan Rivers appeared on "The Tonight Show" after a 26-year exile. Johnny Carson, notorious for the cold shoulder and a lot of bitter grudges, hung up on her when she called to tell him she was hosting her own talk show. David Brenner, another "guest host" who moved on when it was obvious he had no chance of succeeding Carson, had wisely asked Johnny, "Can I..." before negotiating. Rivers, not even on the long list (Letterman and Leno were the ones to beat), hadn't bothered contacting Carson until her dream of hosting her own show was a reality. Once she signed her deal, she called Johnny. But by then it was too late. He'd heard about it, and he bitterly resented her "disloyalty."

Let's remember that Carson had gone through many directors, many writers, and could be extremely moody and paranoid. For more, just read "Bombastic" Henry Bushkin's excellent memoir on his years as Johnny's lawyer (which, of course, ended in his firing and banishment...topics he treats with admirable understanding and restraint). Loyal Jay Leno also refused to book Joan Rivers, and it was only after Johnny's death that David Letterman allowed her on his late show.

When Jimmy Fallon replaced Leno, he gave her an instant cameo on his first night, and then made sure to give her a more prominent guest spot as soon as he could. Joan, ever reliable, did not disappoint, and was her outrageous, vulgar self. "My vagina is so dry..."

If you can't get enough of Joan, her book "I Hate Everyone" will be a lot of fun. It's really her first "joke book" following a very early novelty ("Having a Baby Can be a Scream") and several autobiographies. Often comedians have trouble translating their humor to the printed page, especially when it takes so much to fill a book...and it's easier to save it all for several solid hours of stand-up. Really, only George Carlin in recent memory had so many ideas and so much fury that he could load up several books with A+ material. Rivers, a force of nature, and a compulsive note-taker, has the joke file to come up with a perpetually amusing page-turner. Some of the one-liners are predictable: "I hate narcissists. They never talk about me." But mostly, it's nice to browse here and there, sampling the poison bon-bons and the bon mots that are just catty-clisms of politically incorrect grousing:

"I hate lesbians who "appreciate" jokes instead of laughing at them. My timing isn?t based on your appreciation. I need you to laugh, butcherella, so yank your head out of that carpet sample and give it up. My sisters of Sappho friends also need to learn that every punch line doesn't have to involve politics, animal rights or Melissa Etheridge. Also, a little fashion hint: When you?re going to be out in public, shave your legs and pits. This isn't Europe, and the lumberjack look didn't work for Paul Bunyan and it's not going to work for you."

The fashion queen hasn't lost the common touch. I doubt she's been in a fast food restaurant in years, but one of her writers has: "I hate people who stand in front of me on a long line at Burger King and when they finally get to the counter to order they have no idea what they want to order. Asshole, you've been standing there for twenty-five minutes with nothing to do but study the menu. Your head is emptier than Tony Bennett's balls."

At 80, she's still able to memorize a hundred such remarks and fire away on stage...and get laughs and applause. "Don't try this at home," I must warn. Reading out loud from this book could get you accused of vulgarity, racism, or poor taste. That Rivers has been doing it for 50 years...getting raunchier and nastier rather than mellowing...has made her one of the last "old time" comics still standing. Even if you can't stand her stand-up, you might sneak a peak at this book...and find yourself shaking your head in amusement. If it's possible to smirk out loud, this book will help you do it.

Sociopath Clark Rockefeller: BLOOD WILL OUT

In bookstores, probably alongside the book about the death of Michael Rockefeller, is "Blood Will Out," the new book about the horrifying fake "Clark Rockefeller." Author Walter Kirn knew him for a decade...and was swept up in the conman/murderer's sociopathic charm and cunning.

Kirn, who has written several well-regarded books, was, at the time of the meeting, returning from London for magazine work: "I flew back to America and landed a job at Vanity Fair writing punning headlines for fluffy stories..."

It's tempting to say that anyone writing for Vanity Fair deserves to get slammed down to earthy reality, but this confessional tome spares nobody, including the author and his gullibility. The more ridiculous Clark Rockefeller's brags, the more fascinating he became for Walter Kirn: "...he told me that he lived next door to Tony Bennett, whom he said he could hear rehearsing through the walls at night. He told me that he had degrees from harard and Yale…that he could sing the words to any song that I might name…from "Gilligan's Island" (to) a Cole Porter lyric. He told me that he'd learned from "sourcess" that Prince Charles and the Queen had murdered Diana…"

The story soon becomes a gripping account of a friend suspected of being a fiend, which many reviewers have likened to something out of Patricia ("Strangers on a Train") Highsmith, or a dark volume of James Ellroy.

In fact, Ellroy is one of Kirn's biggest supporters, and you'll agree with him: "“This stunning book dissects psychopathy, the perverse manners of the Internet generation, art, money, and the very nature of belief. At its core, it brilliantly portrays one man's journey through fraudulence to a point of stern resolve. It's tabloid tell-all journalism and Old Testament rebuke. It is of a piece with Roethke: it tells us that the abyss is just a step down the stair.”

ELMORE LEONARD - Lucky 7 Recommendations

Many novelists, when asked to recommend their favorite books, naturally go for the classics. To quote a Matthew Fisher lyric, it's no use "saying Shakespeare or The Bible." Or Hemingway (Elmore was a fan of "For Whom The Bell tolls"). How about some slightly more obscure but good titles?

First, an unexpected title from a well known author. Leonard's choice for Steinbeck: "Sweet Thursday," a tome he said showed the difference "between honest prose and show-off writing."

2, 3 and 4, in titles that influenced him: "A Stretch on the River" by Richard Bissell, "The Heart of the Matter" by Graham Greene and "The Moviegoer" by Walker Percy.

And lastly, a pair of books from authors that Elmore fans should love, too: "The Friends of Eddie Coyle" by George V. Higgins and "Paris Trout" by that "awfully good writer," Pete Dexter.

Jimmy Carter On Women's Rights - Charlie Rose says NO

On March 25th, Charlie Rose supposedly had Jimmy Carter on to talk about Carter's new book, "A Call to Action." Instead, Rose quizzed Carter on which presidents sought his advice while in office, and which ones he didn't get along with. The gossipy tone continued even when Carter softly, politely mentioned he wanted to "talk about women," glancing at the copy of his book in front of Mr. Rose.

Instead, Rose drove the conversation all over the globe, from the 40 years of turbulence in Israel to the dictatorships in South America to Africa and, even after Carter explained he was no expert on the subject, the current conflict in Ukraine. After some 20 minutes, Carter again mentioned that he had a new book about women...and Rose ignored him, changing the subject yet again.

The strangest thing about all of this, is that Carter's previous appearance on a talk show was with David Letterman...who allowed and encouraged Carter to give some appalling statistics on the rate of female circumcision in Egypt, and other points that were in his book. David Letterman is more of a feminist than Charlie Rose? Over 50 percent of the country is female, and Rose is more concerned over whether Obama asks Carter for advice now and then?

"A Call to Action" is an important book, moreso because of who has written it...an ex-president, not Rachel Maddow or some other provocateur. Carter and his wife Rosalyn took the bold step of leaving the Southern Baptist Convention in 2009 over women's rights issues and denials, and he's spent many years researching the status of women around the world...uncovering backward, ignorant and downright vicious abuses everywhere. Genocide of baby girls, genital mutilation, the apathy to rape victims (including date rape and abuses in our own military system)...Mr. Carter covers it all, including of course the hot-button issues of abortion, contraception and "a woman's right." He certainly doesn't spare religious groups who perpetrate atrocities in the name of God.

Jimmy Carter, mild mannered as he is, has become a figure of some controversy over the years, due to his seeming support of some cruel, antisemitic and anti-American regimes around the world (he defends this as trying to work with these people to change their minds). It's possible that some are viewing this latest book as just another topic for a man who seems to knock off a book every other year, in between his world travels. This one doesn't have Carter smiling on the cover. The cover is to the point...nothing but a few choice words. "A Call to Action" is exactly that. David Letterman understood this, and Charlie Rose apparently didn't.

RED CLOUD - Native American Warrior Gets a Bio

Though the authors say they were “primarily interested in telling a good yarn," there's a lot of research and scholarship in their study of neglected warrior Red Cloud, with really few embellishments or "interpretations" that may annoy a scholar looking to separate (to use Mort Sahl's famous catchphrase) what's "actual if not factual."

The fact is, while most everyone has heard of Geronimo, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, few have heard of Red Cloud. In fact, activist Leonard Peltier (a Lakota/Chippewa) didn't even list him among his Top 10 Greatest Native Americans...which included Chief Seattle, Chief Dull Knife, and Sequoyah. Red Cloud's main claim to fame is his victory over Captain William J. Fetterman and his men in 1866, following a series of raids against Fort Phil Kearny. Come to think of it, Fetterman is not well known either, even if he and his soldiers put up a better and more heroic fight than Custer did at the Little Big Horn.

Most any book on Native Americans is already loaded with a hundred years of resentment and misinformation on either side...with some bemoaning the white man's relentless expansion into another ethnic group's territory, and others resenting the guilt over how a giant expanse used for little more than tribal squabbles and buffalo hunting was transformed into a great industrial nation. Red Cloud's background, his fearsome reputation, and yes, some grim instances of savagery...are all covered here in depth, making this the definitive book on the subject. It also is the deepest account of the Fetterman debacle and also offers surprisingly vivid insight into the motley crew at Fort Phil Kearney. Custer, Sitting Bull and The Little Big Horn remain the most popular story regarding the Old West and Native Americans, but there's a movie waiting to be made on the world of Red Cloud...perhaps some Hollywood big shots are reading this book at this very moment.

Five Came Back: WW2 and Mark Harris

If "Five Came Back" seems like a familiar title to you, congrats, and nibble some popcorn.

If you know it was a film with a who's who of obscure character actors and B-list leading men (Chester Morris, Kent Taylor, Patrick Knowles, Wendy Barrie, John Carradine, Joseph Calleia, and C.Aubrey Smith) put a whole tin of Jiffy Pop on the stove.

Mark Harris's new book is about World War 2 in Hollywood, as seen through the eyes of five directors. In these days of ADD and cable channel surfing and streaming videos, who'd expect a book to focus on just one person? Harris takes a look at what John Ford, George Stevens, John Huston, William Wyler and Frank Capra did during the war, daddy.

Harris, who previously wrote "Scenes from a Revolution," about the five 1967 Academy Awards "Best Picture" nominees, dials back to the start of World War 2, and examines what some of the most influential directors decided to put on the silver screen. Capra, for example, chose to make some "We We Fight" propaganda films, and heroically endured shrapnel in his arm while he filmed the Battle of Midway.

Film buffs are free to rifle the pages back and forth, looking at favorite directors or films first, or for juicy gossip (Huston's sex life, Ford's antisemitism). More devout cinema fans will be at the edge of their seats over the authors analysis of "The Battle of San Pietro," for example, and how much of Huston's script was actual, if not factual. The 40's...many who were in World War 2 are now gone, but not all...and Harris has been able to dig up a lot of fresh material to make this valuable and not just another Film 101 rehash from somebody who likes to talk movie trivia.

How Can it be Gluten Free Cookbook

The question some have asked, bent over with cramps, is "When did eating a sandwich on white bread become nearly lethal?"

Good question, and I don't know the answer, but I do know that more and more people are suffering from "wheat belly" (to mention another book title) and discovering that ordinary bread can lack nutrition and actually cause a lot of harm. Like, stomach aches, diarrhea and other nastiness. Whether it's the environment itself that is making people allergic, or badly raised and poorly manufactured vegetable product, more and more people are looking to "gluten free" foods for some relief.

Only..."gluten free" foods are tricky. I've tried some of the manufactured cookies and breads, and noticed that to compensate for the lack of taste, a lot of extra sugar is added. That only creates a different kind of belly ache.

The authors here admit that "replacing wheat flour is tricky business," and "simply substituting a gluten-free flour blend for regular flour doesn't work. We needed to completely rethink each and every recipe employing a host of tricks and techniques to get the results we wanted...many batters and doughs are better when rested for 30 minutes...vinegar helped to produce a flaky, tender pie pastry....using less butter but adding cream cheese to a pound cake recipe made for a lighter, better cake..."

And, yes, a simple slice of "gluten free" bread involves "powdered psyllium husk for structure, milk powder for browning, and oat flour to boost protein levels..." Store-bought versions simply aren't very good, so if you've got the time and the tenacity, this cookbook will lead you to some healthier food choices. If you're not sure you have the time or tenacity, the book argues its case with chapters on The Science of Gluten, Key Test Kitchen Discoveries, and even rating Sandwich Breads. The "test kitchen" here was not only for producing good recipes, but evaluating what you can find in the supermarket. For those very seriously in trouble due to food allergies, this book does offer a return to normalcy...after all, there are even recipes for a good coating for Southern Fried Chicken, and an attempt at a "New York Style Pizza" featuring...ground almonds. No, it's not the real thing, but if you do it right, it can be the "next best thing." And you'll stay at the dinner table instead of the bathroom.

THE GHOST OF THE MARY CELESTE by Valerie Martin

“What draws the bereaved to seek the departed still in this world?” writes author Valerie Martin. “Is it hope, I wonder, or is it fear?”

If you hope to find a solution to the mystery of the "ghost ship" the Mary Celeste...remember this is a novel, not non-fiction. The ride is also propelled by a few sub-plots; one involves a spiritualist and a journalist...two women on opposite ends of belief in the supernatural, and guest star Sir Arthur Conan Doyle who enjoys a good mystery even if it doesn't involve Sherlock Holmes.

The subject of various non-fiction books and movies, the Mary Celeste was found under extremely spooky circumstances...completely intact except for the crew. The cargo was secure, there was food and water...but where was everyone? It didn't look like a storm had tossed them all overboard. So why had they abandoned ship?

Martin, author of the best-selling "Mary Reilly," has put together a vivid tome here, although the reader is often left to wonder "is this fact or is this fiction" here and there. The factual aspects...describing the actual circumstances of the ship's journey and the bizarre discovery, work a bit better than the fictional mix that involves the popularity of spiritualism at the time and the inclusion of Sir Arthur (which will help bring in thousands of Holmes devotees).

With no way to really, accurately explain the mystery of the Mary Celeste, the author spends equal time on how the baffling case affects both mystery fans (such as the creator of Sherlock Holmes) and the bereaved who hope to contact the beyond. Valerie Martin seems to have walked her tightrope based on a line she gives to the creator of Sherlock Holmes: "The public, he knew, demanded a strong plot, adventures at sea went well, also ghosts and mysteries of all kinds. Why not put them all together?”

Author KEVIN TRUDEAU sentenced to Jail

Sham? Wow!

#1 New York Times Bestselling scammer Kevin Trudeau has been sentenced to ten years in jail.

The author, painted as a career con artist, had used infomercials to pitch "Natural Cures They Don't Want You To Know About," "Debt Cures they Don't Want You To Know ABout," and other books playing on the paranoia and gullibility of the average moron with nothing better to do at 2 in the morning than goggle at the TV set and then call a toll free number

In 2004 a court order barred him from continuing to run false claims for his dangerous "Weight Loss Cure" book, a "no hunger...diet-free method of losing weight" that somehow involved hormone treatments and an impossible 500-calories-a-day regimen. Instead of obeying the cease and desist, Trudeau ran his infomercials another 30,000 times, selling about 850,000 copies of his book and making millions of dollars for himself.

The judge: "He has treated federal court orders as if they were mere suggestions...or impediments to be side-stepped, out-maneuevered or just ignored." In his defense, Trudeau insisted he was changed man, he was meditating, and, "if I ever do an infomercial again ... I promise: No embellishments, no puffery, no lies.”

Trudeau's lawyers painted him as a victim. One of them whined that Trudeau's legal problems have left him nearly broke and homeless, and another insisted, "a 10 year sentence might be appropriate for a defendant who destroyed lives...if (Trudeau) swindled anyone (he) swindled them out of $30," the modest price of his scam-book.

In a victory for book buyers, the judge didn't look at the $30 list price as some justification for considering this a case of petty larceny. So much for "The Weight Loss Cure They Don't Want You To Know About." The pitchman who caught a 10 year jail sentence can now claim he's being put away because "they don't want you to know about" him...and how much of a "changed" man he is. Trying to avoid jail time, the author insisted, "I have truly had a significant reawakening."

Rockefeller Eaten By Cannibals : CARL HOFFMAN

Rockefeller? If that name is associated with a gruesome death, most would think: "Clark Rockefeller." That was the alias of Christian Karl Gerhartsreiter, who pretended to be a related to the rich and famous clan...in order to scam and kill. But anthropologists, students of explorers and adventurers, and those over 50...remember the disappearance of Nelson Rockefeller's 23 year-old son Michael. Back in 1961, it was believed he'd drowned while on an expedition.

The truth? He was killed with one thrust of a spear and an ax to the head...and then most likely gutted, sliced from neck to butt, and roasted over a fire. His arms and legs would've been gnawed on by a happy, grinning collection of savages eager to get their share of a rare commodity; meat. Carl Hoffman's new book, "Savage Harvest: A Tale of Cannibals, Colonialism and Michael Rockefeller’s Tragic Quest for Primitive Art," describes the world of the Asmat tribe of the Dutch-owned New Guinea. Today, we are surprised there are still backward, brutal natives who indulge in cannibalism, superstition and bizarre blood-lust rituals. Back then, those, such as Rockefeller, looking for museum pieces, knew they were risking their lives bartering with savages.

In October of 1961, Rockefeller spent three profitable weeks in New Guinea offering tobacco and other goods for the natives' art, spears, masks and other objects. All went well until he reached one remote area and suffered a boating accident. Surprisingly strong and tenacious, he floated and swam for nearly an entire day until he reached the shore...where he was met by a ferocious tribe of angry, near-naked men. Author Hoffman was able to track down Dutch Catholic priest, Hubertus von Peij, who had heard about the barbaric incident via a confession from one of the natives. Yes, a man with glasses had been found, wearing nothing but strange shorts, and yes...he was killed and his skull eventually given to one of the lucky savages. Author Hoffman believes Rockefeller's brutal death was retribution for an incident a few years earlier, in which a Dutch official had a few headhunters killed as a warning to cease their illegal practice. Seeing a lone, helpless white man had set them off, although the author does state "Headhunting and cannibalism were as right to them as taking communion or kneeling on the carpet facing Mecca."

The bizarre world of a cannibal tribe comes to life once again, helped by the "solved mystery" of a famous man's disappearance. The story is fascinating and factual, although the exact method of butchering and cooking Michael Rockefeller is based on Asmat custom, not eyewitness reporting. Perhaps it's for this reason that so far, nobody from the Rockefeller family has officially agreed that the young man's death was murder and not drowning.

Mike Tyson Undisputed Truth: He Loves BARBRA STREISAND

Mike Tyson does indeed offer the "undisputed truth" in his new best-selling autobiography. He tells of his drug abuse, his orgies, and his violent childhood. He does it without bragging; he repeatedly calls himself all kinds of names, including "smuck." (It's only after you finish the book that you notice in the back, a page on "Lexicon," in which he states that "smuck" is a term he's coined for someone too low to even be called "schmuck."

Yes, we sometimes get too much information (Mike winning a championship while suffering from a painful and drippy venereal disease). More startling is how often Mike talks about being tearful...crying and sobbing over his doubts and miseries and yes...sensitivities. In what could be some kind of blockbuster revelation (after all, he's already snarled his innocence about his rape conviction, and growled about Don King) he admits...to loving Barbra Streisand and her music. That's a pretty shocking truth:

"Barbra Streisand…is very soulful and I'm not saying this from a black or an ethnic perspective. She just makes you feel good in your soul with her singing. People get jealous and put down people like her because they can't give off that kind of energy and love, they can't woo people';s hearts like Barbara can. I was enraptured the whole show. Afterwards we went back to her dressing room and took a picture with her…The next day I was still emotionally drained. It was so exciting to be around her and to have seen her sing. She's meant so much to my mother and other people in my life. I'm just happy to be alive when she's performing."

Well people who love Barbra, are the luckiest people in the world.

"Undisputed Truth" is over 500 pages, but some of it speeds along like Tyson hitting a speed bag. He hits on every topic you'd want to know about, and a lot more.

Mike says it ain't easy being in debt and a recovering alcoholic (who has relapses). He is suffering the miseries of aging, which includes a lessened libido and a greater irritation with life itself: "I thought you're supposed to get more mellow as you age but I'm getting more irritable and bitter."

He's tried various religions and isn't too keen on any of them. He doesn't believe in an after-life: "Put me in the dirt, no casket or anything..." But it seems that one way to snap him out of any anxiety or depression would be...a ticket to see Barbra. That's heaven. ""They say that only Muslims are going to be in heaven. If I go to heaven and there's only Muslims and I'm not with my friends that I know and love, I don't want to be there..."

Brush Up Your Shakespeare! Ides of March

CAESAR: Ha! who calls?

CASCA: Bid every noise be still: peace yet again!

CAESAR: Who is it in the press that calls on me? I hear a tongue, shriller than all the music, Cry 'Caesar!' Speak; Caesar is turn'd to hear.

Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR: What man is that?

BRUTUS: A soothsayer bids you beware the ides of March...

CAESAR: What say'st thou to me now? speak once again.

Soothsayer: Beware the ides of March.

CAESAR: He is a dreamer; let us leave him: pass.

Trivia note: In Caesar's time, the "ides" didn't necessarily fall on the 15th. Some months, it was a day or two earlier.

BOB THOMAS dies at 92, author of Movie Star bios

If you're a movie fan, you probably have a Bob Thomas book on your shelf. The 92 year-old AP reporter wrote over two dozen books including biographies of William Holden, Irving Thalberg, David O. Selznick, Walter Winchell, Walt Disney, Joan Crawford and Bing Crosby, and co-wrote books with Bob Hope and Debbie Reynolds.

His book "Bud And Lou" became one of the strangest made-for-TV movies, offering Harvey Korman as Bud Abbott and Buddy Hackett as Lou Costello. Hackett had actually "subbed" for Lou Costello decades earlier. The team were scheduled to make a movie called "Fireman Save my Child," but when problems arose, the film was re-cast with the "team" of Buddy Hackett and straight man Hugh O'Brien. Bob's book concentrated on the duo's feuds and financial woes, and the undeniable fact that Costello was actually the driven, ruthless one and gravel-voiced Bud a benign and easygoing fellow just glad to get through the day without an attack of epilepsy.

As you can see from the picture at left, Thomas was more than eager to cover the glamour world of Hollywood, including a check of Betty Grable's measurements. He reported on over 60 Academy Award shows. But he also covered less frivolous events, and was one of the reporters on the scene when Robert F. Kennedy Jr. was shot at the Ambassador Hotel, instantly filing the incredible news for Associated Press to release to newspapers around the world. The influential writer became the first reporter to get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. He received that honor in 1988, and was still working for another two decades.

Thomas was a dedicated reporter who kept huge file cabinets filled with clippings so that he could instantly research most any star, or give information to a colleague. In a world that was dominated by sniping, powerful "gossip" columnists such as Hedda Hopper and Louella Parsons, Bob was also known to shy away from sensationalism. Very few stars had a harsh word to say about him. He enjoyed writing books, but reporting was the number one passion. In1999 he said, "I get to interview some of the most beautiful people in the world. It's what I always wanted to do."

Of Kindle, Browsers, Bargainers...and GROUCHO MARX

While hoping somebody will BUY the book...authors shudder about: illegal downloaders, the pennies to be made off Kindle editions (which they can't sign, and which instantly get bootlegged on torrents) and used copies cheaply available on eBay and Amazon.

Groucho Marx, in penning "Groucho and Me" back in 1959, groused and grumbled about the worst scourage of the day:

"I'd like to say a few unkind words about the miserly Scrooge known in bookish circles as "the browser." I'm sure you have seen him in many a bookstore. He reads a review...that sounds pretty tasty. Fortified with this briefing, he casually enters a bookstore, ferrets out a copy of the book, and if he is a rapid reader (or "skimmer" as he is known in the trade) he gets through it pretty thoroughly in forty-five minutes. He then scrams unobtrusively through a side door so that he can come back another day and help pauperize some other hard-working author."

Groucho's gripe came to mind the other day when I was in The Bookcellar, the used bookstore at the Webster Library. They raise funds (about $100,000 a year) for not only that local branch, but the entire New York Public Library. I volunteer there several days a week, curating and sorting the records, DVDs, VHS tapes and CDs that come in. Well, one nice young lady came in, and asked for a particular new title. An alert volunteer (not me) guided her right to a bookshelf. There it was, a virtually new copy of that new book, probably $19.95 trade paperback retail, for $4. No better deal could be had on line, where $4 postage is usually tacked on.

What did the girl do? She smiled meekly, and said, "Is that the...um...best price?" And a volunteer said, "Oh, I understand, you're a student. Students don't have much money." And he asked the lady at the cash register, "Can you help her? She's a student."

"Let's see," came the reply, without a smile. A quick look at the new book: "How about three?" Sold.

Now, this is a bookstore run for charity. Someone else would've bought the book at $4 in a day or two. Would this college girl go into Starbuck's and ask them to shave a dollar off their $4 mocha-latte-deluxe? Would she even think twice about dropping $4 on a drink to refresh herself on the way to the rest of her shopping? Of course not. How do you compare the $4 for a momentary snack, and the $4 for a book that will give hours, and hours of entertainment and education?

Wrote Groucho in 1959:

"A man will think nothing of paying four or five dollars for a pair of pants, but he'll think a long time before he'll pony up the same amount of money for a book."

PAUL STANLEY of KISS: Tell-All Due April 8th

The last of the original four members of KISS to write an autobiography, Paul Stanley figures the best has been saved for last.

He's not a fan of the books by Gene Simmons, Peter Criss or Ace Frehley:

"After reading some of (Gene's book) and having been present at much of what went on in that book, it just wasn't accurate so I didn't read it. In the case of Peter or Ace, there is a reason that defense attorneys don't put alcoholics or drug addicts on the witness stand."

Paul's "FACE THE MUSIC: A LIFE EXPOSED" will be out on April 8th. He has a lot of hype to live up to. After all, he says he's not a fan of most any rocker autobiography: "95 percent of the autobiographies by any of my contemporaries would be better suited on a roll of soft paper, so at least you could use it for something."