Maybe We'll Have You Back : Kramer vs Stoller

Fred Stoller's memoir, "Maybe We'll Have You Back," is largely about his career getting small roles as a "nerdy, annoying" waiter, passerby or relative on various mostly mediocre sitcoms.

Fortunately, a judge didn't say "maybe we'll have you back," after dismissing a suit foisted on Fred by the litigation-happy Kenny Kramer. In other words, she wasn't interested in hearing an appeal from a man who frankly doesn't seem to appeal to anyone but gullible tourists. Kramer, who won't let anyone forget he was vaguely an inspiration for the "Kramer" character on "Seinfeld," sued over a very minor anecdote in Fred's book.

Fred wrote of Kramer: "An admitted opportunist, he was not as innocent and goofy as the TV character…For thirty-seven dollars, he and a sidekick would take sightseers on a two-hour "Seinfeld Reality" bus tour…" The tour included having to endure Bobby, a Kramer sidekick, who would "scream out all the catch phrases...I just shook my head, amazed that a show as brilliant as "Seinfeld" could be so lamed down. In the gay-dominated Greenwich Village, I had to hear Bobby make everyone scream out, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Once wasn't embarrassing enough, so he'd scream it out again like some sort of deranged cheerleader…"

Kramer, very fond of getting his unpleasant face on Page Six of the NY Post any way he can, insisted this anecdote made him seem homophobic. How this could possibly be ground for any kind of money...well, it wasn't. How was Kramer damaged? He bragged that his tour was always "sold out" without ever having to pay for advertising. An irony is that while Seinfeld and Larry David seemed to distance themselves from Kramer, it was Stoller who snuck him onto the "Seinfeld" set for his only cameo during the show's entire run. Kramer had a friend post various petty complaints on Fred's Facebook page, none of them very compelling. At worst, Fred may has mis-remembered whether the use of the gay catch-phrase was screamed when some stereotypical gay couple pranced down a street or whether it was in Greenwich Village itself, but either way, no gays ever heard it; it was yelled on a bus with closed windows. And the line was rightly deemed as inoffensive, even supportive.

Being the target of a "frivolous" lawsuit is not much fun...when the frivolity can include paying legal fees and worrying that a judge might be addled enough to make the wrong decision. Perhaps the positive here, is that while the case lubed the media whore known as Kenny Kramer, it also gave publicity to Stoller's book, an entertaining insider-look at the lame underbelly of "extra" work and bit-parts in films and on TV.

Larry David characterized Stoller's persona as "the proverbial schmuck," but in stand-up and in his better acting roles, Fred's more than that. He has some wit, and a funny, obstinate streak. Petulant in his whiny voice, piercing with his owlish eyes, he'll proudly admit, "I went to a deli and ate an apple right there without washing it first." As if this idiot bravado isn't enough, he'll add, "You can't stop me! I'll do it again."

Oddly, the latter half of the gag, which I remember fondly from his stand-up act, was not quoted in his book, but it's what separates him from previous masters of sad sack-ism (such as Marvin Kaplan or Jackie Vernon). He's not a complete patsy...he possesses an aggression that is usually clueless and comical.

The book confirms that he's mostly playing himself. The anecdotes about his childhood miseries, his mother's negativity, and other agonies have a lot of pathos. How sad that Fred was such a lonely child, he almost enjoyed being bullied. When the class fall guy was out, the bullies turned to Fred:

"...when he was absent, they chose me to pick on; they chased me and pulled my string tie through the fence and threw me down. It was actually kind of thrilling. For once, I wasn't invisible. The next day, when the other kid returned, I felt a little sad it was over."

Even getting lucky isn't so fortunate. Before Kramer's litigation, the big selling point for the book was his anecdote about quickly getting in bed with grotesque comedienne Kathy Griffin, who impatiently said, "I'm wet" almost before Fred was through the door for their first date. The nightmare ended with Griffin asking if she could punch him in the face for a sexual kick...and then hollering "Don't look at my ass."

The book does spend many many pages on mild "this is what it's like" anecdotes about the various sitcom sets and which actors are or aren't supportive, but the more memorable lines are sad and sweet reflections on his lonely and passive lifestyle. He's easily rankled by the rudeness of people having a good time with friends and family:

"I usually like a place that doesn't have waitress service. I like the freedom to be able to bolt an any moment, so that's why I like paying for my food before I eat. Just last week, I needed to flee desperately. An attractive, annoying couple was sitting in the booth next to me. They did that thing where they didn't sit across from each other, but sat side by side. I suppose they sat like that because they couldn't stand the idea of not having the sides of their hips touching for thirty minutes. Then they started kissing. The only thing more sickening would've been if they took out a wad of cash and started counting and kissing that too."

At another table some idiot strted talking very loudly on his ell pone while his baby cried; and he ignored the kid…All I wanted was my check, but of course the waiter was nowhere in sight. Eating alone is not the worst way to dine…" Flipping through this neurotic, compulsively readable book isn't the worst way to spend a few days. And if you want to re-read parts of it over again...I can't stop you.

Incredible (True) Fishing Stories - You May Not be Hooked

Can you recall ever seeing a funny film moment involving fishing? I can't. There have been some unpleasant slapstick scenes involving very dead fish stinking out the back of a truck (a 3 Stooges short comes to mind), as well as the "juggling an obviously wooden fish while pretending it's snapping at your fingers" gag or the "marionette fish with the hinged jaw spurting water while lying on a dinner plate."

Stand-up routines? No...sticking a worm on a hook and waiting till a fish punctures its lip on it...is not much of a joke. I can't think of any comedian who got much mileage out of fishing stories. At best, there was Tim Conway's "Dorf Goes Fishing" video. It wasn't one of his best, but apparently while the subject is a washout to the mainstream public, fishermen are desperate enough to buy something like that via mail-order.

And so, my guess is that "Incredible and True! Fishing Stories" is a niche market item at best...intended for die-hard fin-atics. Anyone with a dry sense of humor, or a profound disinterest in technical talk...will very likely be baffled by items that might be true, but don't seem incredible, or even interesting. Some tales go on for several pages for no real pay-off at all.

For a small square book that's supposed to be browsable, it's a bit of a snore to deal with the padding and the technical jargon.

But judge for yourself. Here's a page (119 out of the 212) that's apparently supposed to make your jaw drop...as if there was a hook in it. If this works for you, buy the book. Otherwise, if you get it as a gift, you'll want to throw it back.

A MARLIN'S LIFE JACKET

Owner of southern California's Balboa Bay Club, Bill Ray, and three of his friends were fishing off Cabo San Lucas, Mexico when all five fishing reels clacked like a flock of feeding birds. Suddenly the water erupted with five hooked marlin. All four anglers grabbed a fishing rod and silenced the reel's clicker. The air, whoever, still echoed with chatter. A fifth unattended marlin continued to take line. Ray stepped to the unmanned fishing rod and freed the drag. Then he tied a life jacket to the gear and flung it overboard. An hour later, all four manned marlin were landed and released. Ray, who had kept an eye on the bright orange life jacket, captained the boat as a friend retrieved the floating gear and landed the fifth marlin, releasing it for another day."

That's it.

True, yes. Incredible?

It would seem that these days, most people would be more prone to seeing incredible, true postings on YouTube where you can actually see the flailing fish and witness a dramatic moment. Or...just make up a story and tell it to a friend. "...and you should've seen the one that got away..."

JOAN RIVERS - I HATE EVERYONE (but not Fallon)

Last week, Joan Rivers appeared on "The Tonight Show" after a 26-year exile. Johnny Carson, notorious for the cold shoulder and a lot of bitter grudges, hung up on her when she called to tell him she was hosting her own talk show. David Brenner, another "guest host" who moved on when it was obvious he had no chance of succeeding Carson, had wisely asked Johnny, "Can I..." before negotiating. Rivers, not even on the long list (Letterman and Leno were the ones to beat), hadn't bothered contacting Carson until her dream of hosting her own show was a reality. Once she signed her deal, she called Johnny. But by then it was too late. He'd heard about it, and he bitterly resented her "disloyalty."

Let's remember that Carson had gone through many directors, many writers, and could be extremely moody and paranoid. For more, just read "Bombastic" Henry Bushkin's excellent memoir on his years as Johnny's lawyer (which, of course, ended in his firing and banishment...topics he treats with admirable understanding and restraint). Loyal Jay Leno also refused to book Joan Rivers, and it was only after Johnny's death that David Letterman allowed her on his late show.

When Jimmy Fallon replaced Leno, he gave her an instant cameo on his first night, and then made sure to give her a more prominent guest spot as soon as he could. Joan, ever reliable, did not disappoint, and was her outrageous, vulgar self. "My vagina is so dry..."

If you can't get enough of Joan, her book "I Hate Everyone" will be a lot of fun. It's really her first "joke book" following a very early novelty ("Having a Baby Can be a Scream") and several autobiographies. Often comedians have trouble translating their humor to the printed page, especially when it takes so much to fill a book...and it's easier to save it all for several solid hours of stand-up. Really, only George Carlin in recent memory had so many ideas and so much fury that he could load up several books with A+ material. Rivers, a force of nature, and a compulsive note-taker, has the joke file to come up with a perpetually amusing page-turner. Some of the one-liners are predictable: "I hate narcissists. They never talk about me." But mostly, it's nice to browse here and there, sampling the poison bon-bons and the bon mots that are just catty-clisms of politically incorrect grousing:

"I hate lesbians who "appreciate" jokes instead of laughing at them. My timing isn?t based on your appreciation. I need you to laugh, butcherella, so yank your head out of that carpet sample and give it up. My sisters of Sappho friends also need to learn that every punch line doesn't have to involve politics, animal rights or Melissa Etheridge. Also, a little fashion hint: When you?re going to be out in public, shave your legs and pits. This isn't Europe, and the lumberjack look didn't work for Paul Bunyan and it's not going to work for you."

The fashion queen hasn't lost the common touch. I doubt she's been in a fast food restaurant in years, but one of her writers has: "I hate people who stand in front of me on a long line at Burger King and when they finally get to the counter to order they have no idea what they want to order. Asshole, you've been standing there for twenty-five minutes with nothing to do but study the menu. Your head is emptier than Tony Bennett's balls."

At 80, she's still able to memorize a hundred such remarks and fire away on stage...and get laughs and applause. "Don't try this at home," I must warn. Reading out loud from this book could get you accused of vulgarity, racism, or poor taste. That Rivers has been doing it for 50 years...getting raunchier and nastier rather than mellowing...has made her one of the last "old time" comics still standing. Even if you can't stand her stand-up, you might sneak a peak at this book...and find yourself shaking your head in amusement. If it's possible to smirk out loud, this book will help you do it.

Of Kindle, Browsers, Bargainers...and GROUCHO MARX

While hoping somebody will BUY the book...authors shudder about: illegal downloaders, the pennies to be made off Kindle editions (which they can't sign, and which instantly get bootlegged on torrents) and used copies cheaply available on eBay and Amazon.

Groucho Marx, in penning "Groucho and Me" back in 1959, groused and grumbled about the worst scourage of the day:

"I'd like to say a few unkind words about the miserly Scrooge known in bookish circles as "the browser." I'm sure you have seen him in many a bookstore. He reads a review...that sounds pretty tasty. Fortified with this briefing, he casually enters a bookstore, ferrets out a copy of the book, and if he is a rapid reader (or "skimmer" as he is known in the trade) he gets through it pretty thoroughly in forty-five minutes. He then scrams unobtrusively through a side door so that he can come back another day and help pauperize some other hard-working author."

Groucho's gripe came to mind the other day when I was in The Bookcellar, the used bookstore at the Webster Library. They raise funds (about $100,000 a year) for not only that local branch, but the entire New York Public Library. I volunteer there several days a week, curating and sorting the records, DVDs, VHS tapes and CDs that come in. Well, one nice young lady came in, and asked for a particular new title. An alert volunteer (not me) guided her right to a bookshelf. There it was, a virtually new copy of that new book, probably $19.95 trade paperback retail, for $4. No better deal could be had on line, where $4 postage is usually tacked on.

What did the girl do? She smiled meekly, and said, "Is that the...um...best price?" And a volunteer said, "Oh, I understand, you're a student. Students don't have much money." And he asked the lady at the cash register, "Can you help her? She's a student."

"Let's see," came the reply, without a smile. A quick look at the new book: "How about three?" Sold.

Now, this is a bookstore run for charity. Someone else would've bought the book at $4 in a day or two. Would this college girl go into Starbuck's and ask them to shave a dollar off their $4 mocha-latte-deluxe? Would she even think twice about dropping $4 on a drink to refresh herself on the way to the rest of her shopping? Of course not. How do you compare the $4 for a momentary snack, and the $4 for a book that will give hours, and hours of entertainment and education?

Wrote Groucho in 1959:

"A man will think nothing of paying four or five dollars for a pair of pants, but he'll think a long time before he'll pony up the same amount of money for a book."