Maybe We'll Have You Back : Kramer vs Stoller

Fred Stoller's memoir, "Maybe We'll Have You Back," is largely about his career getting small roles as a "nerdy, annoying" waiter, passerby or relative on various mostly mediocre sitcoms.

Fortunately, a judge didn't say "maybe we'll have you back," after dismissing a suit foisted on Fred by the litigation-happy Kenny Kramer. In other words, she wasn't interested in hearing an appeal from a man who frankly doesn't seem to appeal to anyone but gullible tourists. Kramer, who won't let anyone forget he was vaguely an inspiration for the "Kramer" character on "Seinfeld," sued over a very minor anecdote in Fred's book.

Fred wrote of Kramer: "An admitted opportunist, he was not as innocent and goofy as the TV character…For thirty-seven dollars, he and a sidekick would take sightseers on a two-hour "Seinfeld Reality" bus tour…" The tour included having to endure Bobby, a Kramer sidekick, who would "scream out all the catch phrases...I just shook my head, amazed that a show as brilliant as "Seinfeld" could be so lamed down. In the gay-dominated Greenwich Village, I had to hear Bobby make everyone scream out, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Once wasn't embarrassing enough, so he'd scream it out again like some sort of deranged cheerleader…"

Kramer, very fond of getting his unpleasant face on Page Six of the NY Post any way he can, insisted this anecdote made him seem homophobic. How this could possibly be ground for any kind of money...well, it wasn't. How was Kramer damaged? He bragged that his tour was always "sold out" without ever having to pay for advertising. An irony is that while Seinfeld and Larry David seemed to distance themselves from Kramer, it was Stoller who snuck him onto the "Seinfeld" set for his only cameo during the show's entire run. Kramer had a friend post various petty complaints on Fred's Facebook page, none of them very compelling. At worst, Fred may has mis-remembered whether the use of the gay catch-phrase was screamed when some stereotypical gay couple pranced down a street or whether it was in Greenwich Village itself, but either way, no gays ever heard it; it was yelled on a bus with closed windows. And the line was rightly deemed as inoffensive, even supportive.

Being the target of a "frivolous" lawsuit is not much fun...when the frivolity can include paying legal fees and worrying that a judge might be addled enough to make the wrong decision. Perhaps the positive here, is that while the case lubed the media whore known as Kenny Kramer, it also gave publicity to Stoller's book, an entertaining insider-look at the lame underbelly of "extra" work and bit-parts in films and on TV.

Larry David characterized Stoller's persona as "the proverbial schmuck," but in stand-up and in his better acting roles, Fred's more than that. He has some wit, and a funny, obstinate streak. Petulant in his whiny voice, piercing with his owlish eyes, he'll proudly admit, "I went to a deli and ate an apple right there without washing it first." As if this idiot bravado isn't enough, he'll add, "You can't stop me! I'll do it again."

Oddly, the latter half of the gag, which I remember fondly from his stand-up act, was not quoted in his book, but it's what separates him from previous masters of sad sack-ism (such as Marvin Kaplan or Jackie Vernon). He's not a complete patsy...he possesses an aggression that is usually clueless and comical.

The book confirms that he's mostly playing himself. The anecdotes about his childhood miseries, his mother's negativity, and other agonies have a lot of pathos. How sad that Fred was such a lonely child, he almost enjoyed being bullied. When the class fall guy was out, the bullies turned to Fred:

"...when he was absent, they chose me to pick on; they chased me and pulled my string tie through the fence and threw me down. It was actually kind of thrilling. For once, I wasn't invisible. The next day, when the other kid returned, I felt a little sad it was over."

Even getting lucky isn't so fortunate. Before Kramer's litigation, the big selling point for the book was his anecdote about quickly getting in bed with grotesque comedienne Kathy Griffin, who impatiently said, "I'm wet" almost before Fred was through the door for their first date. The nightmare ended with Griffin asking if she could punch him in the face for a sexual kick...and then hollering "Don't look at my ass."

The book does spend many many pages on mild "this is what it's like" anecdotes about the various sitcom sets and which actors are or aren't supportive, but the more memorable lines are sad and sweet reflections on his lonely and passive lifestyle. He's easily rankled by the rudeness of people having a good time with friends and family:

"I usually like a place that doesn't have waitress service. I like the freedom to be able to bolt an any moment, so that's why I like paying for my food before I eat. Just last week, I needed to flee desperately. An attractive, annoying couple was sitting in the booth next to me. They did that thing where they didn't sit across from each other, but sat side by side. I suppose they sat like that because they couldn't stand the idea of not having the sides of their hips touching for thirty minutes. Then they started kissing. The only thing more sickening would've been if they took out a wad of cash and started counting and kissing that too."

At another table some idiot strted talking very loudly on his ell pone while his baby cried; and he ignored the kid…All I wanted was my check, but of course the waiter was nowhere in sight. Eating alone is not the worst way to dine…" Flipping through this neurotic, compulsively readable book isn't the worst way to spend a few days. And if you want to re-read parts of it over again...I can't stop you.

Spiritual Places In and Around New York City - Len Belzer, Emily Squires

One of life's ironies...involved reading today's news about the suicide of Len Belzer. The headlines all said, "Brother of Richard Belzer..." because Len's own claims to fame are quite modest. He was the host, during stand-up's heyday in the late 80's especially, of a radio show devoted to comedy and comedians. He also co-wrote, with his wife Emily Squires (a director on "Seseme Street") the book "Spiritual Places In and Around New York City."

Unfortunately, Len's wife died in 2012 sending him into a spiral of downward depression, and his own health began to fail...and despite his interest in spirituality...he leaped from his apartment building on West 94th Street. He was 73.

During the stand-up boom years, I did see Len around from time to time, but I can't say I knew him. We had a mutual friend in "Brother" Theodore Gottlieb. Theodore found Len to be "very intelligent," and unlike me, a good chess companion. They would often sit in Theodore's apartment (20 blocks down from Len's) and talk for hours about philosophy and religion.

The book? Like Len, it's unassuming, unpretentious, and very modest (about 140 pages). The reader learns of some obvious places to visit (museums and cathedrals, for example) and less well known places: "Get ready for one of the hottest, most cutting-edge places to be in all of New York City. The Chapel of Sacred Mirrors [542 West 27th Street] calls itself a "sanctuary for contemplation and a center for events encouraging the creative spirit" - emphasis on the creative. Together, artists Alex and Allyson Grey not only display their work here, they have also created around them a huge and dynamic community of artists and seekers of the devine..."

As one might expect, Len and his wife were more interested in documenting their personal preferences...places they no doubt recommended to friends and relatives. Each place gets a page or two, including the Ayurveda Cafe, which was only a block or two from their apartment...706 Amsterdam Avenue:

"When we think of Ayurveda, we think of a mystical Indian tradition having to do with essential oils and herbs; of warm unguents drizzled on fretful foreheads by gentle women with red dots marking their third eye; of Deepak Chopra and his quantum store of knowledge that seems to embrace everything in the universe. Rarely do we think of cuisine in conjunction with this tradition, though food is at the very heart of it...the Ayurveda Cafe, a simple vegetarian spot on the Upper West Side..."

No surprise the book, updated in 2008 by Cosimo Books, was not well known. It's personal, with its mix of tourist attractions and favorite restaurants and whatnot. At this point, who knows how many of the places still exist, or have changed their hours. It's probably lodged in a shelf on New York City, travel, or "spirituality" at some local bookstore, ready for you to browse. Just don't dwell too much on how "spiritual places" can sometimes fail to heal those who are suffering from deep mental or physical pain.

Hillary Clinton Recommends Books: Easy Choices

At the moment, Hillary Clinton's "Hard Choices" commands about $100 on eBay for a signed copy...and most of these are signed with just one word: "Hillary."

Oh, it's making a "great gift idea" for a lot of people. It might be more of an investment for some who think she stands a good chance of becoming a Presidential candidate or The President.

Speaking of gifts...what would you get Hillary if you were shopping in a bookstore?

She has a pretty long list of favorite authors: "I will read anything by Laura Hillenbrand, Walter Isaacson, Barbara Kingsolver, John le Carre, John Grisham, Hilary Mantel, Toni Morrison, Anna Quindlen and Alice Walker...

Anybody else? Yes, Janet Evanovich "makes me laugh."

It turns out Hillary's a fan of best-selling authors who keep churning out new volumes in a continuing series:

"I automatically read the latest installments from Alex Berenson, Linda Fairstein, Sue Grafton, Donna Leon, Katherine Hall Page, Louise Penny, Daniel Silva, Alexander McCall Smith, Charles Todd and Jacqueline Winspear."

If you get to talking classics, Hillary will tell you that her favorites include "The Brothers Karamazov," "Pride and Prejudice," and "Schindler's List." You might talk about favorite short stories by Alice Munro, or her choices in classic poets: T.S. Eliot, Pablo Neruda and W.B. Yeats.

So there you are...Hillary is actually very easy to shop for. Your "Hard Choices" would just be finding a new novel by any of the above that she hasn't already snapped up. Well, she can always return the item for something else. That's economics...and probably something she's learned about in reading one of her favorite books on finance..."After the Music Stopped" by Alan Blinder.

Incredible (True) Fishing Stories - You May Not be Hooked

Can you recall ever seeing a funny film moment involving fishing? I can't. There have been some unpleasant slapstick scenes involving very dead fish stinking out the back of a truck (a 3 Stooges short comes to mind), as well as the "juggling an obviously wooden fish while pretending it's snapping at your fingers" gag or the "marionette fish with the hinged jaw spurting water while lying on a dinner plate."

Stand-up routines? No...sticking a worm on a hook and waiting till a fish punctures its lip on it...is not much of a joke. I can't think of any comedian who got much mileage out of fishing stories. At best, there was Tim Conway's "Dorf Goes Fishing" video. It wasn't one of his best, but apparently while the subject is a washout to the mainstream public, fishermen are desperate enough to buy something like that via mail-order.

And so, my guess is that "Incredible and True! Fishing Stories" is a niche market item at best...intended for die-hard fin-atics. Anyone with a dry sense of humor, or a profound disinterest in technical talk...will very likely be baffled by items that might be true, but don't seem incredible, or even interesting. Some tales go on for several pages for no real pay-off at all.

For a small square book that's supposed to be browsable, it's a bit of a snore to deal with the padding and the technical jargon.

But judge for yourself. Here's a page (119 out of the 212) that's apparently supposed to make your jaw drop...as if there was a hook in it. If this works for you, buy the book. Otherwise, if you get it as a gift, you'll want to throw it back.

A MARLIN'S LIFE JACKET

Owner of southern California's Balboa Bay Club, Bill Ray, and three of his friends were fishing off Cabo San Lucas, Mexico when all five fishing reels clacked like a flock of feeding birds. Suddenly the water erupted with five hooked marlin. All four anglers grabbed a fishing rod and silenced the reel's clicker. The air, whoever, still echoed with chatter. A fifth unattended marlin continued to take line. Ray stepped to the unmanned fishing rod and freed the drag. Then he tied a life jacket to the gear and flung it overboard. An hour later, all four manned marlin were landed and released. Ray, who had kept an eye on the bright orange life jacket, captained the boat as a friend retrieved the floating gear and landed the fifth marlin, releasing it for another day."

That's it.

True, yes. Incredible?

It would seem that these days, most people would be more prone to seeing incredible, true postings on YouTube where you can actually see the flailing fish and witness a dramatic moment. Or...just make up a story and tell it to a friend. "...and you should've seen the one that got away..."

THE PAT BOONE FAN CLUB - Sue William Silverman

"The Pat Boone Fan Club...My Life as a White Anglo-Saxon Jew" is more an Anglo-Saxon "confessional" than the typical humorous Jewish-neurotic rant you'd get in short stories or memoirs from Philip Roth or Woody Allen. It does have amusing moments, but most of it touch on serious, and heartfelt issues involving the search for identity and a place to call home (she's had a few husbands and lived in several cities).

Only a few chapters are about the man who sang "white bread" pop hits in the 50's and early 60's. Most of this collection of essays (some of them award winners and previously published in literary magazines) are about Jewish jitters if not outright angst. This includes the many times Sue has been a stranger in a strange part of America. However, only a Jew is going to write an entire essay pretty much about wanting a colonoscopy to find an answer to a condition that might be colitis, or might not. That it isn't gut-funny as a stand-up whiner like Richard Lewis might've made it, is just Silverman's conversational style and sensibility. She knows anecdotes about "the human comedy" aren't all laugh out loud hilarious. So why force it on every page? Instead, her book sometimes seems like a transcript you overheard from someone on a cell phone. It gets more and more fascinating even if you don't know the person.

No doubt, a lot of readers here already know Sue from her previous books so reading an old friend's diary, or a lament about a hospital stay, would be particularly engrossing. They know all about her painful childhood via "Because I Remember Terror, Father, I Remember You," and another memoir, "Love Sick," focusing on sexual addiction. The latter became a Lifetime made-for-TV movie.

The very serious recurring theme of this collection, is shaking off the agony of guilt and inferiority. It's difficult not to feel confusion, shame and insecurity when antisemitic remarks slip from the mouth of a trusted loved one. Sue hasn't forgotten the time her first husband complained about a project and said, "I won't let him Jew me down." She also won't forget her father, the guy who destroyed her innocence and drove her to wish Pat Boone would adopt her: "I ask you. Would you want to be Jewish if your Jewish father is a bad man? A bad, bad man?"

But just when you hope for a touch of Jewish ironic humor, or a gentle smile, she does toss in a one-liner: "I know I am Jewish…or as Jewish as a gefilte fish is Jewish."

Probably the most universal chapters of the book refer to her relationship with Pat Boone. At first these "fan notes" involve the restless yearning and anxious fears about actually meeting him. Most of us have had a stage door experience like that. Add to this, the literal counter-culture of being drawn to an exact opposite...an All-American Christian with no accent and perfect hair and a pretty darn perfect face and body, too. In alternating chapters, we get more of the main story...her subsequent encounters with Pat Boone.

Mr. Boone did not, however, supply an endorsement for the back cover, which may just be modesty on his part. He comes off well, and Silverman doesn't sugar coat any realities here, including how she rekindled her fan-appreciation at a time when the aging star was playing minor places in front of sometimes listless older crowds.

While Jewish bookstores are shrinking in number, and would be the likely place to promote a book like this, Sue told me she felt there was a wider audience for her book: "This is really in many ways an American story, about assimilation, a search for identity…it's not just for Jewish audiences. I have friends who grew up Catholic, who didn't want to be Catholic…" so some might easily read the Pat Boone segments and substitute most any star of any religion or color. (My brief talk with Sue was in interview mode. I don't know her; the "Ronald Smith" on page 121 is not me!)

In "Dixie Flyer," Randy Newman sang about what it was like to be part of a family of Jews trying to live in the South: "Christ, they wanted to be Gentiles, too. Who wouldn't down there, wouldn't you? An American Christian! God Damn!" The Jew who celebrates Christmas and finds comfort in the hymns, the Gentile who admires a smart Jewish friend and comes to a Seder...the little white kid who shyly wants the 7 foot black basketball player's autograph...the Middle Eastern girl with dreams of going to Paris and being like Gigi...Sue William Silverman writes for them all, as well as herself in this book. And maybe someday Pat Boone might cover Randy Newman's song. He just hasn't done it yet.

"Out of Print Clothing" - Authors Turn into Shirts and Book Bags for Charity

Who'd you like to tote around? It seems one of the top choices is Poe, and a "Poe-Ka Dot" $18 bag. What would be your favorite book jacket to wear as a shirt? "The Great Gatsby" is a big favorite.

One of the most interesting booths at the BEA (Book Expo America) convention held in NYC last week, was from Outofprintclothing.com. They were selling tote bags, note pads and "Shirts with a Mission." What nostalgia. And what…is the point?

"Sending books to Africa," a spokesman told me. The premise has been so successful that the company is now offering more modern book jackets and author photos, not just "public domain" material. I got a smile and a shake of the head and "No names," when I asked if any authors or book companies turned them down. I got the same when I asked about any specific authors who were particularly encouraging. "We don't want to single anyone out…but we've had a lot of wonderful responses."

Aside from book jackets and author photos, replicas of old fashioned library book pockets are also popular. Some folks remember fondly the days when a library book had a card in a pocket, with the date due stamped on it. So why not tote that image around?

The profits from the totes, notepads and shirts go to a worthy cause. Books. REAL BOOKS. It's nice to know that while bookstores are going under, and some thrift shops are overgrown with dollar books they have to toss in the trash, some people are glad to get books. This charity claims to have sent hundreds of thousands of books to a wide range of countries in Africa; basically any nation that asks.

Perhaps Mr. Poe is a favorite over there as well…after all, in his fable "Silence," he name-checks Zaire, which wasn't exactly a tourist destination in the 1840's. No, he never went there, but he fancied it quite a bizarre tourist attraction: "And overhead, with a rustling and loud noise, the gray clouds rush westwardly forever, until they roll, a cataract, over the fiery wall of the horizon..."

JOY IN MUDVILLE : NEW CASEY AT THE BAT - FOR GIRLS

At the BEA book convention, I asked Bob Raczka if modern kids actually knew that old chestnut, "Casey at the Bat."

He said "it doesn't matter much either way. If they don't..." he pointed to the back of his new children's book. There, the venerable old poem stood. The catchy cover illustration shows what's important, which isn't that this is a sequel to "Casey at the Bat," but a book about a girl pitching on an all-boy's team. "Joy in Mudville" refers to a girl named Joy.

In Bob's re-write, all that happened when Mighty Casey struck out, was to drop the Mudville team to second place! No joy in Mudville? Not so fast, Mr. Thayer. According to Bob, they still have a chance at the pennant, because Casey came through in the next game. The big question: in this final game, can relief pitcher Joy hold Mudville's slim 1-0 lead? In the ninth inning?? With the bases loaded???

Like a typical little league diamond full of smooth dirt patches and bumpy weeds, the rhyming stanzas in this tense tale vary in texture. A young reader might speed easily through one section and stumble a bit on another. Here are two stanzas in a row, one speeding easily to first base and rounding to second, the other more awkward, like a heavy set player rounding third and tangling his feet a bit in reaching home:

As Joy, the rookie hurler
took the mound to pitch relief,
Some twenty thousand fans
stared down in silent disbelief.

What struck them dumb
was not the unknown's anonymity
It was the fact that Joy
(the rookie's first name) was a she.

A she, indeed. The male author and illustrator both dedicated the whole she-bang to their daughters. Thus they enable all girls (and boys, and educators) who aren't sure about co-ed baseball. One thing about baseball…it's one of the few sports where all sizes of kids can find a position and succeed, so why not both sexes?

Joy may not have the strongest arm in Mudville, but in fact, finesse often beats brute force. In the real world, knuckleball pitchers can go into their 40's because it's guile, not strength that helps them. As for the tricks that clever Joy uses, well, they aren't far-fetched. Some old-time fans might remember Steve Hamilton's wacky "Folly Floater." Steve just tossed the ball high in the air, surprising and frustrating batters who were prepared to fungo the ball into the seats when it landed in front of them…only to swing and miss.

Little boys, who might not like girls at this age, and might resent a girl on the team, might learn a lesson in tolerance here, and girls will of course find the book inspiring. Happily, the story is big on action, not preachy feminism, and there's no scene where anyone sulks about having a female on the team. Bottom line as the reader heads into the bottom of the ninth? This book's a great pastime, and the time passes quickly with a nice dash of humor.