New BOB HOPE bio: Thanks for the Re-Hash of the Memories

"Hope: Entertainer of the Century" has arrived...but the question is this: does anyone still care about the memories?

Apparently on a slow news day, the N.Y. Post does. It's almost quaint that in this era of Miley Cyrus and Kim Kardashian, viral leaks of dirty movie star photos and the sordid world of reality shows...there's this headline:

"Bob Hope, sex machine, 'often cheated' during his 69-year marriage."

This is news? We're 14 years into the 21st Century, most people barely know the man who died in 2003, and his better films are from the 30's and 40's, which are in black and white and therefore unwatched by anyone under 50.

The Post breathlessly offers a quote in the book from Sherwood Schwartz (yes, the "Gilligan's Island" producer) saying of Hope, "We'd go to a hotel, I swear to you, outside his room were three, four, five young, beautiful girls waiting to be picked by him to come in...He was a star enjoying his stardom."

Let me now quote from page 170 of "The Secret Life of Bob Hope," written by Arthur Marx and published in 1993:

"'I remember,' says Sherwood Schwartz, 'there were always five or six pretty young girls hanging around in the corridors outside Hope's room - sort of like today's groupies. Since I was a virgin, I was pretty envious of all the action he seemed to be getting.'"

Yes, over 20 years ago, a book was published detailing Hope's well-known wolfish behavior. In Marx's book, Hope was not only open about all this, but comical, too. That same page, 170, has an anecdote from Gene Lester, a photographer. Gene was covering a celebrity junket and "While we were playing Dallas, Hope had two girls flown in from Houston...these two good-looking young chicks arrived." Hope dead-panned: "These are my cousins from Houston."

In 1993, Bob Hope was not welcome as a TV talk show guest. Johnny Carson had already retired. The best Hope could do was get some tribute or other for his movie work, with Woody Allen telling the world how good those films were. It was the small, maverick Barricade book publisher (run by the legendary Lyle Stuart) that offered Marx's bio of Hope. One of the vague selling points, beside the usual list of Hope conquests, and a very strong helping of Bob's ad-libs and comedy, was that Arthur dug up the marriage license for Bob and his vaudeville partner Grace Troxell. In case anyone cared. Yeah, Bob married someone, briefly, before Dolores.

The application for the marriage license is printed, in full, in the photo section that begins after page 160. The NY Post in reviewing this new tome:

"...Hope's 1933-34 marriage to former vaudeville partner Grace Troxell, which Hope's publicists denied ever took place...was revealed in a 1993 biography." Yes, by Arthur Marx. Which you can buy on Ebay or Amazon for a fraction of what the Richard Zoglin book is selling for.

Another "blockbuster" bit of news in this new book? "No marriage license for Bob and Dolores Hope has ever turned up.The lack of any record of the Hopes' marriage (not even a wedding photo) led some Hope family members to speculate over the years that a wedding may never have taken place."

Oooh. How exciting. We're supposed to be shocked or excited by something that happened about 80 years ago? And that was already mentioned in the Arthur Marx biography:

"There no record of the Hopes getting married." Marx did add that "there's no denying that Hope and Dolores are actually married. And if they're not they've been getting away with murder on their joint tax returns for years."

I recall speaking with Marc Eliot, who knew Phil Ochs and was able gather enough of Phil's "small circle of friends" to write a very vivid bio of him. He then parlayed this into some kind of career as a celebrity biographer. I asked him why, after there had been so many bios already, he had just knocked off a new one on Cary Grant. The answer was pretty much...it was something to do. The older ones were out of print.

So it is, that there have been film buffs, fan boys and publish-or-perish college professors, who scan a list of celebrities and biographies and see if they can come up with a match. As in: oh, it's been a while since a W.C. Fields book came out, or Groucho, or...Bob Hope? Unfortunately in most cases, these new bios don't have exceptional new information to offer, and there are no "juicy" anecdotes because everybody who knew the dead star is either also dead or quite senile. Who, in Bob Hope's inner circle, is still alive and was hanging around the bedroom door when he had an affair with Barbara Payton? A paragraph about this is supposed to interest people who aren't even re-playing the Tommy Lee and Pam Anderson video?

Next up from Richard Zoglin? Maybe an expose of how nasty Arthur Godfrey was? No...a little too obscure. How about how nasty Bing Crosby was? Some people might've forgotten about Gary Crosby's book, or Zog can convince a publisher that old people go to bookstores beause they don't know how to buy a used copy of a better bio on Amazon. But I wanna tell ya...

NRA Fans Roast Gov. Cuomo Book Through Negative Reviews

Politics makes for strange book-selling. The NY Times and other newspapers gleefully reported that Gov. Andrew Cuomo's memoir failed to attract a big crowd to Barnes & Noble for a signing.

Photos showed Cuomo sitting behind a desk, embarrassed at the paltry lines. Other photos showed the empty seats...which are usually packed for even minor celebrities and pop stars.

The N.Y. Daily News reported that Strand, conveniently located within walking distance of the flashy Barnes & Noble where Cuomo signed, was trying to unload copies under the heading: "BEST GIFT FOR THE PERSON YOU LOVE TO HATE." The Daily News neglected to mention that Strand traffics in review copies and most likely paid a few dollars for their stack of Cuomo books. Odds are they were motivated by, well, getting The Daily News to give them a plug, not by any real angst over unloading books. After all, real bookstores have the option of returning unsold copies.

Cuomo, who will easily cruise to re-election, is a fairly dull guy. His speaking voice has the nag of Al Pacino in "Dog Day Afternoon" but none of the charisma. Most think he's doing a good job. So why the hatred?

Mr. Cuomo supports gun laws.

This seems to explain the rather astonishing ratio of one-star reviews on Amazon to five star. Celeste Katz of The Daily News offered a photo of a protest that included photos of Cuomo doctored to look like Hitler. "Cuomo is a Tyrant," the protests claimed...because he doesn't want every idiot in New York blasting away with a rifle. Perhaps Cuomo's Albany office was too close to the nutjob who began firing at all his neighbors? You could look it up...but there are so many examples of "nutjob who began firing at all his neighbors" you might not find the one closest to Albany.

While it's fairly easy to get a gun in New York State, the NRA crowd don't think so, and are paranoid that it might become harder in the future. So, Ms. Katz reports, Cuomo's book has gotten 550 one-star reviews "to just 24 five-star salutes. The rage reviews appear spurred by commenters enthusiastically heeding encouragement on social media and Second Amendment sites to trash it and its author."

Gov. Cuomo's case is extreme, but it highlights a fact at Amazon...which is that "reviews" can be manipulated. A bunch of jerks who normally use the site to buy sex toys and underwear, can torpedo a book with lopsided reviews without actually buying it on Amazon, or buying it at all.

Unless people have a favorite book reviewer, or a favorite newspaper that actually runs reviews, they are more likely to instantly check Amazon for the price and the reviews. In the case of Cuomo's book, it would lead to NO SALE.

The sad truth is most books by politicians are dull and self-serving. They are written as policy statements, or "official" tomes that can be pointed to in lieu of debate or interview: "It's in my book...go read my book." That Cuomo's autograph on a book didn't excite anyone, indicates that he has a long way to go before seeming to be a viable Presidential candidate in 2016. If he does get taken seriously by then, and runs, and actually wins...well...the few autographed copies of Cuomo's book will be worth a lot of money.

AUTHOR: Is YOUR eBOOK being BOOTLEGGED on EBAY?

There's an epidemic of book thieves on EBAY.

What you see above is BRIGHTDREAMS11, a seller who has made $150 for doing nothing but stealing a John Green title.

Multiply that by ten more authors raped and humiliated, and this seller is pulling down $1500 a week. Or more?

CEO John Donahoe doesn't seem to know about it? Doesn't care?

This is no surprise. Thanks to something called the "Digital Millennium Act," which goes wayyy back to 1988, copyright owners have been shoved under the bus. The excuse back then was "affirmative action." As in: let these poor little Internet companies, like cute-named Google and adorable-named Ebay flourish. They're just little kiddies who don't know right from wrong. They should be able to say "we're just a venue." Maybe some day, when they're big and strong, they'll know better.

Know what?

They became big and strong. Power corrupts. Ebay, Google and Amazon have become Hitler, Hirohito and Mussolini. If you really need proof, see how easy it was for Jeff Bezos of Amazon to drop nearly a BILLION DOLLARS today to buy something called "Twitch." That's a "streaming" site for "gamers." As if he couldn't just build one himself. Bezos is the guy who is fighting book publishers over how much they should be able to charge for an eBook...and openly refusing to stock books just to play hardball.

Meanwhile Ebay, now trying to get out of being the Internet garage sale for back date magazines and "Granny's postcard collection," is looking the other way when it comes to literally stealing eBook sales away from Amazon.

How outrageous is the abuse? Just type in a key term: EBOOK. Then add an author. Or a title like "Wimpy Kid" or "Heavenly Fire" or "Vampire."

You'll discover blatant frauds and liars with eBay names such as:

damommastreasure, sarsar412, mojosstuffgalore, brightreams11, houseofaddarav, collegestudentmom — among others — happily bootlegging in violation of both copyright and EBAY rules.

How? EBAY looks the other way if a seller merely writes: "I will send this item by postal mail. Sending this item by email or by any other digital delivery method is not allowed and violates eBay policy."

In fact, a seller doesn't even have to write anything at all. Just don't charge a shipping fee and (nudge nudge wink wink) the bidder knows that an e-mail will arrive with the password to a cloud or the link to a Rapidshare file.

As to THE BIG LIE:

"Attention eBay Staff: I am an Authorized Reseller of this product and also the copyright holder and I have resale rights to this eBook or item. Full Resell Rights are Granted by the copyright owners to sell these eBooks with Resell Rights or Master Resell Rights Granted! This ad complies with all eBay rules and regulations."

And what happens if an author of book company stops that auction on "Shades of Grey Trilogy?" The seller continues to offer the other dozen or two dozen bootlegs, and if EBAY asks (and they never do) say "Gee, I made a mistake on that last one. But honest...I AM the copyright holder on Wimpy Kid..."

Farce? More than a farce. It's a bloody crime.

BRIGHTDREAMS11 is still on EBAY despite many negatives for blatantly selling fake items and bootlegs:

EBAY? No numbers to call. Letters go right into the garbage. Business as usual.

What happens if you ask Kari Rameriz, the publicist for EBAY at press@ebay.com? Find out for yourself. The answer is usually NO REPLY. Or the robot: "If you are a copyright owner, jump through some hoops, fill out some forms, and send them to vero@ebay.com. PS, if you complain that the seller is bootlegging everybody's books on our site, we will ignore you. We won't ask the seller to fax us "under penalty of perjury" any license agreements at all. We are THAT desperate for sales on our site. That's why we don't even let sellers leave negatives on deadbeat bidders, or allow them to block bidders who extort and cheat sellers or return DVDs after copying them, or books after reading them."

AUTHORS...PUBLISHERS...the best thing you can do, aside from perhaps joining to create the Mother of All Class Action Lawsuits...is to join EBAY's "VeRo" (verified rights owner) program and file against the bootleggers. This IS a war. Copyright holders are losing ground every minute while Internet giants like Google and Amazon bellow about how everything should be "Free" and copyright should bow to "Freedom of Speech." Ebay has the nerve to allow sellers to pretend they own the copyright to every best seller! How do they get away with this? "Because they can." They are being enabled...by copyright owners who don't take action.

Maybe We'll Have You Back : Kramer vs Stoller

Fred Stoller's memoir, "Maybe We'll Have You Back," is largely about his career getting small roles as a "nerdy, annoying" waiter, passerby or relative on various mostly mediocre sitcoms.

Fortunately, a judge didn't say "maybe we'll have you back," after dismissing a suit foisted on Fred by the litigation-happy Kenny Kramer. In other words, she wasn't interested in hearing an appeal from a man who frankly doesn't seem to appeal to anyone but gullible tourists. Kramer, who won't let anyone forget he was vaguely an inspiration for the "Kramer" character on "Seinfeld," sued over a very minor anecdote in Fred's book.

Fred wrote of Kramer: "An admitted opportunist, he was not as innocent and goofy as the TV character…For thirty-seven dollars, he and a sidekick would take sightseers on a two-hour "Seinfeld Reality" bus tour…" The tour included having to endure Bobby, a Kramer sidekick, who would "scream out all the catch phrases...I just shook my head, amazed that a show as brilliant as "Seinfeld" could be so lamed down. In the gay-dominated Greenwich Village, I had to hear Bobby make everyone scream out, "Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Once wasn't embarrassing enough, so he'd scream it out again like some sort of deranged cheerleader…"

Kramer, very fond of getting his unpleasant face on Page Six of the NY Post any way he can, insisted this anecdote made him seem homophobic. How this could possibly be ground for any kind of money...well, it wasn't. How was Kramer damaged? He bragged that his tour was always "sold out" without ever having to pay for advertising. An irony is that while Seinfeld and Larry David seemed to distance themselves from Kramer, it was Stoller who snuck him onto the "Seinfeld" set for his only cameo during the show's entire run. Kramer had a friend post various petty complaints on Fred's Facebook page, none of them very compelling. At worst, Fred may has mis-remembered whether the use of the gay catch-phrase was screamed when some stereotypical gay couple pranced down a street or whether it was in Greenwich Village itself, but either way, no gays ever heard it; it was yelled on a bus with closed windows. And the line was rightly deemed as inoffensive, even supportive.

Being the target of a "frivolous" lawsuit is not much fun...when the frivolity can include paying legal fees and worrying that a judge might be addled enough to make the wrong decision. Perhaps the positive here, is that while the case lubed the media whore known as Kenny Kramer, it also gave publicity to Stoller's book, an entertaining insider-look at the lame underbelly of "extra" work and bit-parts in films and on TV.

Larry David characterized Stoller's persona as "the proverbial schmuck," but in stand-up and in his better acting roles, Fred's more than that. He has some wit, and a funny, obstinate streak. Petulant in his whiny voice, piercing with his owlish eyes, he'll proudly admit, "I went to a deli and ate an apple right there without washing it first." As if this idiot bravado isn't enough, he'll add, "You can't stop me! I'll do it again."

Oddly, the latter half of the gag, which I remember fondly from his stand-up act, was not quoted in his book, but it's what separates him from previous masters of sad sack-ism (such as Marvin Kaplan or Jackie Vernon). He's not a complete patsy...he possesses an aggression that is usually clueless and comical.

The book confirms that he's mostly playing himself. The anecdotes about his childhood miseries, his mother's negativity, and other agonies have a lot of pathos. How sad that Fred was such a lonely child, he almost enjoyed being bullied. When the class fall guy was out, the bullies turned to Fred:

"...when he was absent, they chose me to pick on; they chased me and pulled my string tie through the fence and threw me down. It was actually kind of thrilling. For once, I wasn't invisible. The next day, when the other kid returned, I felt a little sad it was over."

Even getting lucky isn't so fortunate. Before Kramer's litigation, the big selling point for the book was his anecdote about quickly getting in bed with grotesque comedienne Kathy Griffin, who impatiently said, "I'm wet" almost before Fred was through the door for their first date. The nightmare ended with Griffin asking if she could punch him in the face for a sexual kick...and then hollering "Don't look at my ass."

The book does spend many many pages on mild "this is what it's like" anecdotes about the various sitcom sets and which actors are or aren't supportive, but the more memorable lines are sad and sweet reflections on his lonely and passive lifestyle. He's easily rankled by the rudeness of people having a good time with friends and family:

"I usually like a place that doesn't have waitress service. I like the freedom to be able to bolt an any moment, so that's why I like paying for my food before I eat. Just last week, I needed to flee desperately. An attractive, annoying couple was sitting in the booth next to me. They did that thing where they didn't sit across from each other, but sat side by side. I suppose they sat like that because they couldn't stand the idea of not having the sides of their hips touching for thirty minutes. Then they started kissing. The only thing more sickening would've been if they took out a wad of cash and started counting and kissing that too."

At another table some idiot strted talking very loudly on his ell pone while his baby cried; and he ignored the kid…All I wanted was my check, but of course the waiter was nowhere in sight. Eating alone is not the worst way to dine…" Flipping through this neurotic, compulsively readable book isn't the worst way to spend a few days. And if you want to re-read parts of it over again...I can't stop you.

Hillary Clinton Recommends Books: Easy Choices

At the moment, Hillary Clinton's "Hard Choices" commands about $100 on eBay for a signed copy...and most of these are signed with just one word: "Hillary."

Oh, it's making a "great gift idea" for a lot of people. It might be more of an investment for some who think she stands a good chance of becoming a Presidential candidate or The President.

Speaking of gifts...what would you get Hillary if you were shopping in a bookstore?

She has a pretty long list of favorite authors: "I will read anything by Laura Hillenbrand, Walter Isaacson, Barbara Kingsolver, John le Carre, John Grisham, Hilary Mantel, Toni Morrison, Anna Quindlen and Alice Walker...

Anybody else? Yes, Janet Evanovich "makes me laugh."

It turns out Hillary's a fan of best-selling authors who keep churning out new volumes in a continuing series:

"I automatically read the latest installments from Alex Berenson, Linda Fairstein, Sue Grafton, Donna Leon, Katherine Hall Page, Louise Penny, Daniel Silva, Alexander McCall Smith, Charles Todd and Jacqueline Winspear."

If you get to talking classics, Hillary will tell you that her favorites include "The Brothers Karamazov," "Pride and Prejudice," and "Schindler's List." You might talk about favorite short stories by Alice Munro, or her choices in classic poets: T.S. Eliot, Pablo Neruda and W.B. Yeats.

So there you are...Hillary is actually very easy to shop for. Your "Hard Choices" would just be finding a new novel by any of the above that she hasn't already snapped up. Well, she can always return the item for something else. That's economics...and probably something she's learned about in reading one of her favorite books on finance..."After the Music Stopped" by Alan Blinder.

"Out of Print Clothing" - Authors Turn into Shirts and Book Bags for Charity

Who'd you like to tote around? It seems one of the top choices is Poe, and a "Poe-Ka Dot" $18 bag. What would be your favorite book jacket to wear as a shirt? "The Great Gatsby" is a big favorite.

One of the most interesting booths at the BEA (Book Expo America) convention held in NYC last week, was from Outofprintclothing.com. They were selling tote bags, note pads and "Shirts with a Mission." What nostalgia. And what…is the point?

"Sending books to Africa," a spokesman told me. The premise has been so successful that the company is now offering more modern book jackets and author photos, not just "public domain" material. I got a smile and a shake of the head and "No names," when I asked if any authors or book companies turned them down. I got the same when I asked about any specific authors who were particularly encouraging. "We don't want to single anyone out…but we've had a lot of wonderful responses."

Aside from book jackets and author photos, replicas of old fashioned library book pockets are also popular. Some folks remember fondly the days when a library book had a card in a pocket, with the date due stamped on it. So why not tote that image around?

The profits from the totes, notepads and shirts go to a worthy cause. Books. REAL BOOKS. It's nice to know that while bookstores are going under, and some thrift shops are overgrown with dollar books they have to toss in the trash, some people are glad to get books. This charity claims to have sent hundreds of thousands of books to a wide range of countries in Africa; basically any nation that asks.

Perhaps Mr. Poe is a favorite over there as well…after all, in his fable "Silence," he name-checks Zaire, which wasn't exactly a tourist destination in the 1840's. No, he never went there, but he fancied it quite a bizarre tourist attraction: "And overhead, with a rustling and loud noise, the gray clouds rush westwardly forever, until they roll, a cataract, over the fiery wall of the horizon..."

Joyce Carol Oooof : Lena Dunham the star of the BEA?

Anybody remember Joyce Carol Oates?

Is Mary Higgins Clark really the only female mystery writer in the world?

Dr. Ruth with a ghost-written book on Greek and Roman mythology?

No, the only "glamorous" female writer to get a mention in anything but the dusty book trade papers was...

You see the picture. I don't want to mention the name more than once.

The literary darling of America is...somebody famous for taking her top off...when nobody wants to see it? Them?

The sad fact about BEA is that celebrities rule. Long, long gone are the days of Gore Vidal or even Tom Wolfe. Can the average American name any playwright who isn't dead? And who is still actively writing? (That lets out Edward Albee, assuming the average American is over 40).

It seems writers haven't been considered worthy of national exposure since the Carson-Cavett-Frost era. Only Cavett is still with us, he was at BEA, and nobody seemed to cover his latest tome aside from Publishers Weekly). Maybe writers have done it to themselves...with every "best selling novel" by certain authors reading just like the last one they did, only not as good. Even so, an HBO comic who isn't nearly as "smart" and "edgy" or "funny" as people think she is?

Aside from...her...the only other "authors" to get a glimmer of press were Billy Idol and Neil Patrick Harris (the latter may have gotten a tad more if he'd bother to show up on time or stay a while...but if the excuse is that "Hedwig" is an arduous show and he needs his rest, I'll take it).

Was it last year, or the year before, that the big attraction was Neil Young talking with Patti Smith?

I have hopes that maybe next year an actual author will climb into the ranks of "celebrity" rather than a "celebrity" stepping above and rendering invisible all BEA convention authors.

Book Expo: A Sign of the Times at Aunt BEA

Book Expo America once again showed the world that books are alive and well (even if bookstores aren't and Amazon is King Pest).

But as you see below, literacy wasn't a guarantee at every stall or table.

As usual, long lines (for those with advance tickets) greeted the old favorites including Linda Fairstein, James Ellroy and Lorenzo Carcaterra, as well as the few celebs on hand such as Neil Patrick Harris and Billy Idol.

Harris arrived late and left early. He was signing a little sampler booklet from his autobiography. His short attention span had many on that line hissing and hissy-fitting, but that was the exception to an otherwise fairly benign event where authors stayed a reasonable amount of time till the carton or two of books disappeared.

The number of "freak show" moments has decreased over the years. Ripley's didn't stage a "Believe it Or Not" exhibit, and there weren't many full-size mascots or costumed "action figures" wandering around for a photo op. This was fine with most serious browsers and businessmen. Any sleepwalking and/or obese librarians (who sometimes were hard to navigate past) could only be shaken from their torpor by the sudden arrival of a celebrity at a booth...or better, the arrival of cookies or little cupcakes courtesy of a few cookbook authors.

This year Book Con (yes, the all too eager offspring of Comic Con) took place on Saturday. In the past, BEA simply took over three days, with Saturday a bit slow with a lot of people off to visit NYC and dealers packing up by noon or 2pm. But this year Book Con took action on Saturday, slicing itself about a fourth of the Javits Center for those book companies that wanted to appeal to the juvenile and "graphic novel" (ie, big fat comic book) crowd. Book Con, with somewhat low ticket prices, lured in thousands of civilians hoping to grab off review copies to sell on eBay and snag face time and autographs with their favorite scribble heroes. They had to be a bit disappointed. Not only weren't there many well known names on Saturday, but the few on hand were not signing. Comic book God Stan Lee was only on a panel, not ready or willing to sign anybody's Spiderman Underoos.

What will happen next year, nobody quite knows...but it does seem that Book Con wants to game-change the event at the Javits Center and turn BEA into a Comic Con with bindings. They'll be happy to charge a fortune so that comic book dealers and graphic novelists can grin and snarl at gawking geeks willing to pay insane amounts for "collectibles." After all, goggle-eyed Googlers who drool over men in tights, aren't buying eBook versions of this junk. They need the actual comic book to wrap in plastic and carefully place in a shelf in their shrine.

In a way it makes sense for Book Con (Comic Con with a more adult name) to try and horn in on BEA, where authors are hurting and so many view Kindle as a convenience to having actual heavy books taking up apartment space.

There's a definite line in the sand between the quiet librarians and book store owners and businessmen of BEA and the the noisy tattoo and Crayola-hair bunch who want to show up in costumes and aren't impressed with authors who sit, smile and sign BOOKS. Or as a few of them stuck behind security and unable to invade the main area of BEA cried, "Where do I get a poster signed of "Wimpy Kid???" Is it a surprise that Cynthia Weil, for example, autographed copies of her book on Friday, but at Comic Con on Saturday autographed posters instead?

As book fans keep saying, with the closure of bookstores, the dominance of Amazon, the piracy of eBooks, the lower advances to authors and the increasing interest in disposable blips on Kindle rather than treasured tomes on a shelf, there's a "sea change going on."

Those wondering if the ship is sinking were buoyed by some of what was going on at BEA. There were still plenty of indie publishers, plenty of optimistic authors signing their new books, and plenty of those "publish it yourself" folks assuring us that if traditional publishers are more interested in celebs including Martin Short or Lena Dunham (both at BEA this year), they'd be willing to publish an eBook (and/or print on demand) to make anyone a potential literary star.

The Telegraph's "Top 20 Books You Should Read"

Perhaps almost as bad as book burning and book censorship...are lists of "Books You Should Read."

Not every book, even a classic, is going to enthrall every reader. Even if we're talking about classic literature that is full of adventure and anecdotal humor ("Treasure Island" and "Huckleberry Finn" come to mind), these great books might not interest every age group or ethnic group. Camus' "The Stranger" might be over the heads of some, and "Tell-Tale Heart and Selected Short Stories of Poe" might possibly be irrelevant to people in a country where racial hatred and violence is the norm, and there's no interest in symbolism or pondering existential neurosis. Why kill? Why not!

There's also a question of whether to include a book that's just a "good read" and escapist fun, like, oh, "And Then There Were None" by Agatha Christie, or other tomes that simply encourage a reader to sit down and let imagination take over.

None of the four books I've mentioned made it to The Telegraph (UK newspaper) Top 40...while Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe and Cranford by Elizabeth Gaskell did. At least Twain and Camus managed to land inside the limit of the Top 100!

You might think the list was slanted as the "Top 100 Books British People Should Read," based on an interest in British topics as well as what is considered "classic" literature, but very American authors made the lower regions of the list; Updike, Steinbeck and Salinger. Joseph Heller's "Catch 22" arrived at #77 and Jack Kerouac's "On the Road" at #87, not too far from the low-ranked "The Stranger" at # 82.

Below? I'm just quoting the Top 20, which will keep you busy enough!

20 Tristram Shandy by Laurence Sterne
Samuel Johnson thought Sterne’s bawdy, experimental novel was too odd to last. Pah!

19 The War of the Worlds by HG Wells
Bloodsucking Martian invaders are wiped out by a dose of the sniffles.

18 Scoop by Evelyn Waugh
Waugh based the hapless junior reporter in this journalistic farce on former Telegraph editor Bill Deedes.

17 Tess of the D’Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy
Sexual double standards are held up to the cold, Wessex light in this rural tragedy.

16 Brighton Rock by Graham Greene
A seaside sociopath mucks up murder and marriage in Greene’s literary Punch and Judy show.

15 The Code of the Woosters by PG Wodehouse
A scrape-prone toff and pals are suavely manipulated by his gentleman’s personal gentleman.

14 Wuthering Heights by Emily Brontë
Out on the winding, windy moors Cathy and Heathcliff become each other’s “souls”. Then he storms off.

13 David Copperfield by Charles Dickens
Debt and deception in Dickens’s semi-autobiographical Bildungsroman crammed with cads, creeps and capital fellows.

12 Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Defoe
A slave trader is shipwrecked but finds God, and a native to convert, on a desert island.

11 Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
Every proud posh boy deserves a prejudiced girl. And a stately pile.

10 Don Quixote by Miguel de Cervantes
Picaresque tale about quinquagenarian gent on a skinny horse tilting at windmills.

9 Mrs Dalloway by Virginia Woolf
Septimus’s suicide doesn’t spoil our heroine’s stream-of-consciousness party.

8 Disgrace by JM Coetzee
An English professor in post-apartheid South Africa loses everything after seducing a student.

7 Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
Poor and obscure and plain as she is, Mr Rochester wants to marry her. Illegally.

6 In Search of Lost Time by Marcel Proust
Seven-volume meditation on memory, featuring literature’s most celebrated lemony cake.

5 Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
“The conquest of the earth,” said Conrad, “is not a pretty thing.”

4 The Portrait of a Lady by Henry James
An American heiress in Europe “affronts her destiny” by marrying an adulterous egoist.

3 Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
Tolstoy’s doomed adulteress grew from a daydream of “a bare exquisite aristocratic elbow”.

2 Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
Monomaniacal Captain Ahab seeks vengeance on the white whale which ate his leg.

1 Middlemarch by George Eliot
“One of the few English novels written for grown-up people,” said Virginia Woolf.

Captain Underpants Tops The BAN and BOO list

Once again parents and teachers have shown concern that their potty-mouthed kids are being influenced by a badly-drawn comic hero called "Captain Underpants." Nevermind that Dav Pilkey's picture books come from Scholastic Press!

Perhaps somebody will be able to prove that rappers wearing their pants around their thighs to show off their underwear, were all fans of "Captain Underpants" when they were in fifth grade.

The American Library Association's list of the most-banned and most booed books for students, once again shoots itself in the rear by including so many well respected titles.

Aside from "Captain Underpants" from Scholastic Books, rounding out the Unholy Three were Nobel laureate Toni Morrison's "The Bluest Eye," and Sherman Alexie's 'The Absolute True Diary of a Part-Time Indian." And yes, the un-PC word "Indian" had something to do with it, but sexual references in both of those books were cited as well.

Coming in at number 4 was the more logical choice for disgust, E.L. James' BD and BW (that bondage/domination badly written) book series "Fifty Shades of Grey." And rounding out the "I'll give you five and slap you silly for reading it" is Suzanne Collins' "The Hunger Games." The latter two are obviously considered as books no "decent library" should carry, even if under the counter and for adults who ask for them.