Guinness World Records 2015 - Shuck and Awe

Now looking more like "Ripley's Believe it Or Not," the new Guinness Worlds Record 2015 edition is loaded with eye-catching color photos and a lot of dubious achievements. In dozens of categories, you can find yourself entertained, amused, and asking yourself, "Why would I care?"

For instance, in the baseball section you'll find "Youngest player to hit 30 home runs and steal 30 bases in a season." In basketball: "Most consecutive games scoring a three-pointer." And in cycling, "Oldest Olympic road cycling gold medalist." In case you really wanted to know.

More disturbing is the competitive food section, where a variety of utter idiots engage in trivial pursuits. Gee, Michael Jenkins drink a litre of lemon juice in under 60 seconds. Ozgur Tuna (the name is more amusing than his achievement) "held 110 eggs in a basket" on a roller coaster. Another clown ate 16 cream-filled sponge cakes in one minute. In the latter case, we're not told how big these cakes were, if they were regulation Twinkies, or who decided the number should be 16, and why one minute should be the limit when, just below it, a record for hamburgers eaten (no size indicated) had to be within three minutes.

I know, this is supposed to be a browsable book of fun and amazement, and to some degree it still is. It's just that the older editions concentrated on things most of us actually cared about or were curious about, including various categories for the biggest, the smallest, or the most expensive. At one time, (the 1999 edition) a caveat for the competitive eating section declared, "The following gluttony records are historical and should not be attempted today." It almost seemed they were going to discontinue "records" that involved stupidity.

Instead, we get to see Mr. Michael Jenkins bugging his eyes and sucking a straw and holding up lemons. He's proud to be in a book that doesn't distinguish between true achievements and the pointless abuse of food resources and the encouragement of potential physical illness and death.

It's also a bit ridiculous that "world records" can be bought. For example, Davide Andreani of Italy owns "10,558 unique single brand cans" of soft drinks, and two full pages are devoted to showing all of them lining the walls of his...what, mental ward?

Seeing photos of pop-eyed lemon juice drinkers, and grubby soda can collectors just isn't my idea of a good time.

Do we need to encourage idiots to break the record for the longest black pudding (576 feet)? Or, unable to get the ingredients, try for the world's longest matzoh or breadstick? Now that we have eBooks, will Guinness have no limits on the number of individual foodstuffs they'll "recognize?"

Anyone want to break the record for "Most mentions of a brand name on Twitter in 24 hours"? That honor currently belongs to something called Pocky, which was mentioned 3,710,044 times on November 11, 2013.

Naturally the book section was an area to browse, but here, many listings weren't necessarily "world records" as much as facts. "Self-published author John Locke has sold more than 2 million Kindle-formatted eBooks...by 6 Jul 2010, james Patterson had exceeded sales of one million eBooks...the term "graphic novel" first appeared in 1976 on the dust jacket of "Bloodstar"...a total of 325 pen names were listed for humorist Konstantin Arsenievich Mikhailov in the 1960 Dictionary Of Pseudonyms."

Precision is not necessary for a World Record. "Even without exact sales numbers," we're told, "there is little doubt that the Bible is the world's best-selling and most widely distributed book..." Perhaps some irate Muslims would insist it's the Koran? At least it's not, God help us, the Guinness World Records book.

The Mother Court by James D. Zirin

"The Mother Court" is where some of the nation's greatest trials took place. Linda Fairstein's glib praise-blurb on the back of this book ends with: "It would be criminal not to read this book." In a way, she's right, because aside from dusty (anyone want to pay for Alger Hiss information when it's on Wikipedia) cases, and the lack of juicy murder stories, there's some very interesting chapters on the mechanics of the criminal justice system. This includes how a lawyer chooses a jury, and "the lost art of cross-examintion"

The book probably will be best appreciated by those interested in becoming a lawyer, or those who already work in the legal system...people who can appreciate the technical jargon that is sometimes part of this raconteur's stories. Most involve famous cases, but also some lesser known lawyers and judges who hopped up and down the building steps at the US District Court for the Southern District of New York.

I confess (not words you normally here in a courtroom) to have not hopped those steps very often. I think I was there as a photographer during the Woody Allen v Mia Farrow matter. My own encounter with the well-remembered Judge Sweet, was when I was called to jury duty and facing the prospect of a several months of Mafia testimony. Usually writers don't get picked...lawyers figure it's easier to sway a housewife or a plumber. But somehow we reached the end of the process and I was one of the 12 facing an interminable sentence. A few days...ok. But months? And months? A very heavy toll for a freelancer to bear. Blind Justice herself didn't seem to care about how much money I'd be losing during the projected months of delays, or snore-inducing testimony about tax receipts. Judge Sweet routinely declared that if anybody had anything further to say, better say it now.

And so I raised my hand and said, "I believe that most lawyers are just as guilty as the criminals."

This got me excused.

My story is not in this book of course, but for fans of high-profile and important cases held before Judge Sweet, Judge Friendly, and other less-amusingly named judges, James D. Zirin offers his interpretations, and very often first-hand recollections. While Fairstein calls his writing style "informative, riveting, accessible and uplifting," the fact remains, he's a lawyer first, and the point is to be fair and balanced and not lurid. This might not appeal to the casual reader or "Perry Mason" fan, who might expect, at the very least, some juicy put-downs of Roy Cohn complete with vengeful snark about the man's hypocrisy. This includes his open hatred and put-downs of gays, despite (as someone else put it in some other publication) his sexual interest in being "...the biggest catcher since Yogi Berra."

Zirin's more tasteful remark: "Roy Cohn died of complications from AIDS a month after his disbarment, lying to the end about the nature of his ailment and the high-risk behavior that had brought it about." In a footnote, he mentions that those who want to know more about his "deeply closeted homosexuality" should read Tony Kushner's play "Angels in America."

Zirin's take on the professional Cohn:

"Roy could get away with anything — at least for a while, until things caught up with him. His glibness was amazing. I once saw him argue an appeal in a New York appellate court. The presiding justice opened the proceeding in a way that seemed quite ominous for Cohn. "Mr. Cohn, in your brief at page 31, you cite the case of Jones v Smith. My law clerks and I have searched the authorities for Jones v. Smith, and we can find no report of the case wehre you cite it — indeed no report of it anywhere. Are you sure that this case exists?"

Without blinking an eye, Cohn responded, "I'll have a letter on your Honor's desk at 10 tomorrow morning."

Zirin blithely wanders through the Linda Lovelace "Deep Throat" case and Mayor Giuliani's spirited attack on the "obscenity" of an oil and elephant dung painting at a local museum, without once cracking a joke or pun. He ends that chapter by noting:

"Outside of child pornography, which is properly viewed as criminal, there is now little legal activity in the field of art censorship....Contemporary community standards of what is obscene have become porous, perhaps because of the Internet. Indeed, the Internet, where pornography is freely available with epithetic descriptions and explicitly graphic videos, has made censorship virtually impossible.Only its dull repetitiveness and superfluous specificity differentiates pornography from the irrelevant sex scene of the modern cinema. What once was X has become R; Rhas become PG-13; the really dirty films have become NR- not even rated at all. We now have a new normal."

Aside from chapters on sex, and on Roy Cohn (but not on both at the same time), there's "U.S. v Official Corruption," organized crime, libel cases, "Some of My Favorite Judges," "The Red Scare" (including Alger Hiss) and of course his mentor Bob Morgenthau, who wrote the book's foreword. Most of this is handled as a law professor might; with enthusiasm for the subject at hand, and less interest in being entertaining about it. After all, it's history. Zirin is more amusing when it comes to choosing some of the cases he was personally involved in, and most certainly in getting the last laugh on some of the judges he found frustrating, if not weird.

"One of the weirdest judges I knew was Irving Ben Cooper. Like the fictional Captain Queeg in Wouke='s "The Cain Mutiny, he was a Freudian delight..."

"...In one robing room conference I attended during a trial, he whirled on a junior lawyer: "Ive noticed you out there smirking at me. You don't understand. I'm here for life. The trouble with you...is that you think the judge is a schmuck."

It's those little moments of anecdotal chicken fat that lubricate this tome and keep it from being totally dry.

VALOR - MARK LEE GREENBLATT - true stories of bravery and courage

The bland title "VALOR" could be overlooked by the casual bookstore browser, but pick up the book and it'll be hard to put down.

File it in the category of "Profiles in Courage," where you go for an hour or two of breathtaking adventure and the even more satisfying feeling of inspiration.

Back when President Kennedy's "Profiles in Courage" came out, war was still glorified, and "two-fisted action" magazines with titles ranging from "True" to "Saga" enjoyed prime space on a newsstand. In a way, the writing style here harks back to that era. Here's a bit of Chris Choay's battlefield drama:

"Choay continued to creep up on the enemy. He finally got within sixty-five feet of the insurgents — he was an easy target for shooters of their ability. Choay stop;ped and prepared for the assault.

And that's when he realized he was all alone.

"I told my men to follow me, but it was so loud with all the explosions, shooting, and people yelling that no one heard me. I had no one there with me. They were all still back where I left them...(it was) the loneliest moment of my life. I was dead center in the middle of the objective, all alone. I was scared, and I was ready to die."

Is this why his story is one of the ones Greenblatt chose? No, it had to be even more horrific. Determined to go out in a blaze of glory...

"Choay took a deep breath and prepared to shoot. He pulled the trigger. The weapon jammed."

Now, under the most frightening conditions and the greatest pressure, the soldier had to keep his head (already a miracle it was still on) and figure out how to get his weapon to work...and how to somehow pick off three of the enemy without any of them instantly pin-pointing his location and blasting him to bits.

It's not all blood and guts in these stories, or brains or willpower. Some of the stories are memorable for their heart...including the story of Michael Waltz's terrifying experiences in battle. His Afghan guide was by his side: "Waltz could hear Sumar gasping in his arms. The man's blood covered Waltz's hands and drenched his uniform...." The guide did not make it, but the story doesn't end there...it continues with the soldier desperately communicating to other Afghans how vital it was to return the body home...no matter the danger. For Waltz, the memory of the event haunted him even when he made it safely back to the States. It extended to a different form of quiet heroism, as he vowed to help the guide's family...against all odds.

Again, "VALOR" is not a catchy title, and the praise on the back might be a turn-off for some. All the quotes come from military men, including Sergeant Fist Class Sammy L. Davis, who enthuses, "It's obvious from these incredible stories that we certainly do still have the spirit of Audie Murphy in our military." But what makes this book worth anyone's time and attention is that while much of the narrative echoes scenes in the war movies that Audie Murphy (or John Wayne) made, the stories aren't just glorifications of combat triumph. The author here doesn't present boastful soldiers happy to tell their stories...many here are modest, glad to have made it out alive, and traumatized by the fate of those who didn't.

Myths of Love by Dr. Ruth Westheimer and Jerome Singerman

Yes, "Dr. Ruth," the ebullient little sex therapist who had best sellers and was a talk show favorite years ago...is back. At 86, and with no Johnny Carson or Merv Griffin to amuse, she's not been booked on high profile talk shows, and her new tome isn't from a major book company. The benefit is she can do as she pleases, which might explain this very silly excuse for a book.

It was sold to an indie company, and they are attempting to sell it to you, as something that "analyzes ancient myth and its relevance to 21st century relationships." Maybe. Maybe not. The main problem is that the book doesn't seem co-written by Westheimer. The tone is very academic, reflecting the lecture style of Harvard's Jerome E. Singerman. Having met them both, I can't quite understand the problem except that Dr. Ruth, who is as peppy as ever in person, apparently didn't have many juicy case histories to balance what reads like lecture transcripts.

The chapter on Narcissus is typically dry: "The dictionary defines a narcissist as someone exhibiting excessive vanity or self-admiration..." This could've led to some recollection of a comically pathological egomaniac, but instead, the chapter ends with a cut-and-paste joke: "Woody Allen once said that the nice thing about masturbation is that it's sex with someone you love. This is apparently not a thought that would ever occur to a character in Greek or Roman mythology..."

This is supposed to be a book, not a collection of easy-going lectures on mythology, but the formula for each chapter is the same. There's a reminder of who Iphis and Ianthe were, or Pasiphae, or Pygmalion...and nothing from Dr. Ruth to explain how these dimly colorful figures relate to people today, or the problems related to sex on the Internet, STD's, rampant porn, lifelike rubber sex dolls or anything else that might get in the way of, or enhance, sexual gratification in the 21st Century.

Leda and the Swan? Well, one doesn't expect that Dr. Ruth ever had a patient who had sex in an aviary. So why bother?

That would be a question for co-author Singerman, perhaps, as the un-Ruthian prose strays from the myth itself to a rumination on how this myth was depicted in art:

"The artists of the Italian Renaissance seem to have loved the story of Leda nad the swan. Correggio places the couple at the middle of a jolly forest scene. Here, Leda is sitting in the shade of a tree by the edge of a pool or a stream, facing forward. The swan stands between her open legs, his neck curving upward between her naked breasts, his bill reaching just far enough to chuck her under the chin. She looks down rather sweetly at him..." A photo of the painting would've sufficed instead of all the padding. Perhaps Dr. Ruth did add the final paragraph, recalling "...some very curious medical illustrations of the following centgury that depict the elongated but obviously non-erect human penis oddly but gracefully curving — like the neck of a swan perhaps? In one example I have in mind, the artist has even omitted any representation of the testicles, but has drawn a setion of the legs flanking the organ so that they look very much like the outspread wings of the bird. I don't want to put too fine a point on it, but if all this is not quite as anatomically impossible as a woman who lays eggs, I nevertheless suspect that the two are very closely related."

I don't want "to put too fine a point on it" either, but the reason Dr. Ruth was so popular on TV and in her early books, was that she didn't sound like some guy from Harvard recalling old paintings and what he remembers from Mythology 101. Why even include this Leda business, and with no photos? Rather than ask Singerman, the question is put to Westheimer. It turns out the "Leda" legend is one of her favorite myths because... "I love swans. Every year when I go to Zurich, I say hi to the swans on Lake Zurich. It reminds me of the years I was a child in an orphanage in Switzerland...and now I am coming back to visit as Dr. Ruth." Oh. Ok.

The Westheimer name will probably help dispose of copies to libraries, and should be one of the more successful titles from the indie press involved. It's also nice to see that she hasn't been soured on publishing after offering what she remembers as one of her better manuscripts to the infamous S.P.I. book company circa 1988. They slipped into bankruptcy, intentionally leaving printers, authors and even its defense lawyers stiffed, and were, far more than Westheimer, experts in the art of screwing.