JOAN RIVERS - I HATE EVERYONE (but not Fallon)

Last week, Joan Rivers appeared on "The Tonight Show" after a 26-year exile. Johnny Carson, notorious for the cold shoulder and a lot of bitter grudges, hung up on her when she called to tell him she was hosting her own talk show. David Brenner, another "guest host" who moved on when it was obvious he had no chance of succeeding Carson, had wisely asked Johnny, "Can I..." before negotiating. Rivers, not even on the long list (Letterman and Leno were the ones to beat), hadn't bothered contacting Carson until her dream of hosting her own show was a reality. Once she signed her deal, she called Johnny. But by then it was too late. He'd heard about it, and he bitterly resented her "disloyalty."

Let's remember that Carson had gone through many directors, many writers, and could be extremely moody and paranoid. For more, just read "Bombastic" Henry Bushkin's excellent memoir on his years as Johnny's lawyer (which, of course, ended in his firing and banishment...topics he treats with admirable understanding and restraint). Loyal Jay Leno also refused to book Joan Rivers, and it was only after Johnny's death that David Letterman allowed her on his late show.

When Jimmy Fallon replaced Leno, he gave her an instant cameo on his first night, and then made sure to give her a more prominent guest spot as soon as he could. Joan, ever reliable, did not disappoint, and was her outrageous, vulgar self. "My vagina is so dry..."

If you can't get enough of Joan, her book "I Hate Everyone" will be a lot of fun. It's really her first "joke book" following a very early novelty ("Having a Baby Can be a Scream") and several autobiographies. Often comedians have trouble translating their humor to the printed page, especially when it takes so much to fill a book...and it's easier to save it all for several solid hours of stand-up. Really, only George Carlin in recent memory had so many ideas and so much fury that he could load up several books with A+ material. Rivers, a force of nature, and a compulsive note-taker, has the joke file to come up with a perpetually amusing page-turner. Some of the one-liners are predictable: "I hate narcissists. They never talk about me." But mostly, it's nice to browse here and there, sampling the poison bon-bons and the bon mots that are just catty-clisms of politically incorrect grousing:

"I hate lesbians who "appreciate" jokes instead of laughing at them. My timing isn?t based on your appreciation. I need you to laugh, butcherella, so yank your head out of that carpet sample and give it up. My sisters of Sappho friends also need to learn that every punch line doesn't have to involve politics, animal rights or Melissa Etheridge. Also, a little fashion hint: When you?re going to be out in public, shave your legs and pits. This isn't Europe, and the lumberjack look didn't work for Paul Bunyan and it's not going to work for you."

The fashion queen hasn't lost the common touch. I doubt she's been in a fast food restaurant in years, but one of her writers has: "I hate people who stand in front of me on a long line at Burger King and when they finally get to the counter to order they have no idea what they want to order. Asshole, you've been standing there for twenty-five minutes with nothing to do but study the menu. Your head is emptier than Tony Bennett's balls."

At 80, she's still able to memorize a hundred such remarks and fire away on stage...and get laughs and applause. "Don't try this at home," I must warn. Reading out loud from this book could get you accused of vulgarity, racism, or poor taste. That Rivers has been doing it for 50 years...getting raunchier and nastier rather than mellowing...has made her one of the last "old time" comics still standing. Even if you can't stand her stand-up, you might sneak a peak at this book...and find yourself shaking your head in amusement. If it's possible to smirk out loud, this book will help you do it.