JOAN RIVERS - I HATE EVERYONE (but not Fallon)

Last week, Joan Rivers appeared on "The Tonight Show" after a 26-year exile. Johnny Carson, notorious for the cold shoulder and a lot of bitter grudges, hung up on her when she called to tell him she was hosting her own talk show. David Brenner, another "guest host" who moved on when it was obvious he had no chance of succeeding Carson, had wisely asked Johnny, "Can I..." before negotiating. Rivers, not even on the long list (Letterman and Leno were the ones to beat), hadn't bothered contacting Carson until her dream of hosting her own show was a reality. Once she signed her deal, she called Johnny. But by then it was too late. He'd heard about it, and he bitterly resented her "disloyalty."

Let's remember that Carson had gone through many directors, many writers, and could be extremely moody and paranoid. For more, just read "Bombastic" Henry Bushkin's excellent memoir on his years as Johnny's lawyer (which, of course, ended in his firing and banishment...topics he treats with admirable understanding and restraint). Loyal Jay Leno also refused to book Joan Rivers, and it was only after Johnny's death that David Letterman allowed her on his late show.

When Jimmy Fallon replaced Leno, he gave her an instant cameo on his first night, and then made sure to give her a more prominent guest spot as soon as he could. Joan, ever reliable, did not disappoint, and was her outrageous, vulgar self. "My vagina is so dry..."

If you can't get enough of Joan, her book "I Hate Everyone" will be a lot of fun. It's really her first "joke book" following a very early novelty ("Having a Baby Can be a Scream") and several autobiographies. Often comedians have trouble translating their humor to the printed page, especially when it takes so much to fill a book...and it's easier to save it all for several solid hours of stand-up. Really, only George Carlin in recent memory had so many ideas and so much fury that he could load up several books with A+ material. Rivers, a force of nature, and a compulsive note-taker, has the joke file to come up with a perpetually amusing page-turner. Some of the one-liners are predictable: "I hate narcissists. They never talk about me." But mostly, it's nice to browse here and there, sampling the poison bon-bons and the bon mots that are just catty-clisms of politically incorrect grousing:

"I hate lesbians who "appreciate" jokes instead of laughing at them. My timing isn?t based on your appreciation. I need you to laugh, butcherella, so yank your head out of that carpet sample and give it up. My sisters of Sappho friends also need to learn that every punch line doesn't have to involve politics, animal rights or Melissa Etheridge. Also, a little fashion hint: When you?re going to be out in public, shave your legs and pits. This isn't Europe, and the lumberjack look didn't work for Paul Bunyan and it's not going to work for you."

The fashion queen hasn't lost the common touch. I doubt she's been in a fast food restaurant in years, but one of her writers has: "I hate people who stand in front of me on a long line at Burger King and when they finally get to the counter to order they have no idea what they want to order. Asshole, you've been standing there for twenty-five minutes with nothing to do but study the menu. Your head is emptier than Tony Bennett's balls."

At 80, she's still able to memorize a hundred such remarks and fire away on stage...and get laughs and applause. "Don't try this at home," I must warn. Reading out loud from this book could get you accused of vulgarity, racism, or poor taste. That Rivers has been doing it for 50 years...getting raunchier and nastier rather than mellowing...has made her one of the last "old time" comics still standing. Even if you can't stand her stand-up, you might sneak a peak at this book...and find yourself shaking your head in amusement. If it's possible to smirk out loud, this book will help you do it.

Sociopath Clark Rockefeller: BLOOD WILL OUT

In bookstores, probably alongside the book about the death of Michael Rockefeller, is "Blood Will Out," the new book about the horrifying fake "Clark Rockefeller." Author Walter Kirn knew him for a decade...and was swept up in the conman/murderer's sociopathic charm and cunning.

Kirn, who has written several well-regarded books, was, at the time of the meeting, returning from London for magazine work: "I flew back to America and landed a job at Vanity Fair writing punning headlines for fluffy stories..."

It's tempting to say that anyone writing for Vanity Fair deserves to get slammed down to earthy reality, but this confessional tome spares nobody, including the author and his gullibility. The more ridiculous Clark Rockefeller's brags, the more fascinating he became for Walter Kirn: "...he told me that he lived next door to Tony Bennett, whom he said he could hear rehearsing through the walls at night. He told me that he had degrees from harard and Yale…that he could sing the words to any song that I might name…from "Gilligan's Island" (to) a Cole Porter lyric. He told me that he'd learned from "sourcess" that Prince Charles and the Queen had murdered Diana…"

The story soon becomes a gripping account of a friend suspected of being a fiend, which many reviewers have likened to something out of Patricia ("Strangers on a Train") Highsmith, or a dark volume of James Ellroy.

In fact, Ellroy is one of Kirn's biggest supporters, and you'll agree with him: "“This stunning book dissects psychopathy, the perverse manners of the Internet generation, art, money, and the very nature of belief. At its core, it brilliantly portrays one man's journey through fraudulence to a point of stern resolve. It's tabloid tell-all journalism and Old Testament rebuke. It is of a piece with Roethke: it tells us that the abyss is just a step down the stair.”

ELMORE LEONARD - Lucky 7 Recommendations

Many novelists, when asked to recommend their favorite books, naturally go for the classics. To quote a Matthew Fisher lyric, it's no use "saying Shakespeare or The Bible." Or Hemingway (Elmore was a fan of "For Whom The Bell tolls"). How about some slightly more obscure but good titles?

First, an unexpected title from a well known author. Leonard's choice for Steinbeck: "Sweet Thursday," a tome he said showed the difference "between honest prose and show-off writing."

2, 3 and 4, in titles that influenced him: "A Stretch on the River" by Richard Bissell, "The Heart of the Matter" by Graham Greene and "The Moviegoer" by Walker Percy.

And lastly, a pair of books from authors that Elmore fans should love, too: "The Friends of Eddie Coyle" by George V. Higgins and "Paris Trout" by that "awfully good writer," Pete Dexter.

Jimmy Carter On Women's Rights - Charlie Rose says NO

On March 25th, Charlie Rose supposedly had Jimmy Carter on to talk about Carter's new book, "A Call to Action." Instead, Rose quizzed Carter on which presidents sought his advice while in office, and which ones he didn't get along with. The gossipy tone continued even when Carter softly, politely mentioned he wanted to "talk about women," glancing at the copy of his book in front of Mr. Rose.

Instead, Rose drove the conversation all over the globe, from the 40 years of turbulence in Israel to the dictatorships in South America to Africa and, even after Carter explained he was no expert on the subject, the current conflict in Ukraine. After some 20 minutes, Carter again mentioned that he had a new book about women...and Rose ignored him, changing the subject yet again.

The strangest thing about all of this, is that Carter's previous appearance on a talk show was with David Letterman...who allowed and encouraged Carter to give some appalling statistics on the rate of female circumcision in Egypt, and other points that were in his book. David Letterman is more of a feminist than Charlie Rose? Over 50 percent of the country is female, and Rose is more concerned over whether Obama asks Carter for advice now and then?

"A Call to Action" is an important book, moreso because of who has written it...an ex-president, not Rachel Maddow or some other provocateur. Carter and his wife Rosalyn took the bold step of leaving the Southern Baptist Convention in 2009 over women's rights issues and denials, and he's spent many years researching the status of women around the world...uncovering backward, ignorant and downright vicious abuses everywhere. Genocide of baby girls, genital mutilation, the apathy to rape victims (including date rape and abuses in our own military system)...Mr. Carter covers it all, including of course the hot-button issues of abortion, contraception and "a woman's right." He certainly doesn't spare religious groups who perpetrate atrocities in the name of God.

Jimmy Carter, mild mannered as he is, has become a figure of some controversy over the years, due to his seeming support of some cruel, antisemitic and anti-American regimes around the world (he defends this as trying to work with these people to change their minds). It's possible that some are viewing this latest book as just another topic for a man who seems to knock off a book every other year, in between his world travels. This one doesn't have Carter smiling on the cover. The cover is to the point...nothing but a few choice words. "A Call to Action" is exactly that. David Letterman understood this, and Charlie Rose apparently didn't.

RED CLOUD - Native American Warrior Gets a Bio

Though the authors say they were “primarily interested in telling a good yarn," there's a lot of research and scholarship in their study of neglected warrior Red Cloud, with really few embellishments or "interpretations" that may annoy a scholar looking to separate (to use Mort Sahl's famous catchphrase) what's "actual if not factual."

The fact is, while most everyone has heard of Geronimo, Sitting Bull and Crazy Horse, few have heard of Red Cloud. In fact, activist Leonard Peltier (a Lakota/Chippewa) didn't even list him among his Top 10 Greatest Native Americans...which included Chief Seattle, Chief Dull Knife, and Sequoyah. Red Cloud's main claim to fame is his victory over Captain William J. Fetterman and his men in 1866, following a series of raids against Fort Phil Kearny. Come to think of it, Fetterman is not well known either, even if he and his soldiers put up a better and more heroic fight than Custer did at the Little Big Horn.

Most any book on Native Americans is already loaded with a hundred years of resentment and misinformation on either side...with some bemoaning the white man's relentless expansion into another ethnic group's territory, and others resenting the guilt over how a giant expanse used for little more than tribal squabbles and buffalo hunting was transformed into a great industrial nation. Red Cloud's background, his fearsome reputation, and yes, some grim instances of savagery...are all covered here in depth, making this the definitive book on the subject. It also is the deepest account of the Fetterman debacle and also offers surprisingly vivid insight into the motley crew at Fort Phil Kearney. Custer, Sitting Bull and The Little Big Horn remain the most popular story regarding the Old West and Native Americans, but there's a movie waiting to be made on the world of Red Cloud...perhaps some Hollywood big shots are reading this book at this very moment.

Five Came Back: WW2 and Mark Harris

If "Five Came Back" seems like a familiar title to you, congrats, and nibble some popcorn.

If you know it was a film with a who's who of obscure character actors and B-list leading men (Chester Morris, Kent Taylor, Patrick Knowles, Wendy Barrie, John Carradine, Joseph Calleia, and C.Aubrey Smith) put a whole tin of Jiffy Pop on the stove.

Mark Harris's new book is about World War 2 in Hollywood, as seen through the eyes of five directors. In these days of ADD and cable channel surfing and streaming videos, who'd expect a book to focus on just one person? Harris takes a look at what John Ford, George Stevens, John Huston, William Wyler and Frank Capra did during the war, daddy.

Harris, who previously wrote "Scenes from a Revolution," about the five 1967 Academy Awards "Best Picture" nominees, dials back to the start of World War 2, and examines what some of the most influential directors decided to put on the silver screen. Capra, for example, chose to make some "We We Fight" propaganda films, and heroically endured shrapnel in his arm while he filmed the Battle of Midway.

Film buffs are free to rifle the pages back and forth, looking at favorite directors or films first, or for juicy gossip (Huston's sex life, Ford's antisemitism). More devout cinema fans will be at the edge of their seats over the authors analysis of "The Battle of San Pietro," for example, and how much of Huston's script was actual, if not factual. The 40's...many who were in World War 2 are now gone, but not all...and Harris has been able to dig up a lot of fresh material to make this valuable and not just another Film 101 rehash from somebody who likes to talk movie trivia.

How Can it be Gluten Free Cookbook

The question some have asked, bent over with cramps, is "When did eating a sandwich on white bread become nearly lethal?"

Good question, and I don't know the answer, but I do know that more and more people are suffering from "wheat belly" (to mention another book title) and discovering that ordinary bread can lack nutrition and actually cause a lot of harm. Like, stomach aches, diarrhea and other nastiness. Whether it's the environment itself that is making people allergic, or badly raised and poorly manufactured vegetable product, more and more people are looking to "gluten free" foods for some relief.

Only..."gluten free" foods are tricky. I've tried some of the manufactured cookies and breads, and noticed that to compensate for the lack of taste, a lot of extra sugar is added. That only creates a different kind of belly ache.

The authors here admit that "replacing wheat flour is tricky business," and "simply substituting a gluten-free flour blend for regular flour doesn't work. We needed to completely rethink each and every recipe employing a host of tricks and techniques to get the results we wanted...many batters and doughs are better when rested for 30 minutes...vinegar helped to produce a flaky, tender pie pastry....using less butter but adding cream cheese to a pound cake recipe made for a lighter, better cake..."

And, yes, a simple slice of "gluten free" bread involves "powdered psyllium husk for structure, milk powder for browning, and oat flour to boost protein levels..." Store-bought versions simply aren't very good, so if you've got the time and the tenacity, this cookbook will lead you to some healthier food choices. If you're not sure you have the time or tenacity, the book argues its case with chapters on The Science of Gluten, Key Test Kitchen Discoveries, and even rating Sandwich Breads. The "test kitchen" here was not only for producing good recipes, but evaluating what you can find in the supermarket. For those very seriously in trouble due to food allergies, this book does offer a return to normalcy...after all, there are even recipes for a good coating for Southern Fried Chicken, and an attempt at a "New York Style Pizza" featuring...ground almonds. No, it's not the real thing, but if you do it right, it can be the "next best thing." And you'll stay at the dinner table instead of the bathroom.